Although it may feel like it just began, 2024 has come and gone, and with the New Year comes an opportunity to make a positive change to your life. Here are 10 New Year’s resolutions I’ve personally made to try and make 2025 even more prosperous than 2024 was. Did you make any resolutions? Let us know in the comments!
Spend More Time In The Car
I love traffic and listening to the radio, so I think I’m going to plan my trips to coincide with as much traffic as possible this year. Especially in the winter!
Take Up Smoking
Looking back at pictures and memories over the year, I couldn’t help but come to one conclusion: I am not very cool looking. I’m going to take up smoking, and if that doesn’t work, maybe I can get a cane or a pet bird or something that makes me “pop”.
Volunteer
For as many years as I’ve pretended to be homeless to score a free meal down at the soup kitchen, I think the least I could do is find some time to give back this year. I know, I know, the things I’ve done are reprehensible. What can I say? They make a mean white bean chicken chili down there.
Return All Of Those Items I’ve Stolen From Neighbors
They keep asking, and you know what? Fair is fair.
Stop Cheating At Board Games Against Children
For the first time that I can remember, hustling all of my nieces and nephews at board games and tricking them into gambling their favorite presents away brought me very little joy this year. What used to be my favorite part of the season now seems like a lot of hassle just for some Hot Wheels I don’t even want. I’m going to give it a break this year, I think.
Travel Less
A lot of people vow to see more of the world this time of year. Not me. I’d love to see a lot less, actually. There’s nothing out there for me.
Drink More Of That Clear Stuff
You know that glass of clear they bring you with your drink sometimes? I’ve heard that it’s good for you. I am going to try some, I think.
Get More Sleep
After a year spent trying to get eight to ten hours every night, I learned that it’s just not enough. Going to experiment with 16-18 a night and see what kind of results I get.
Pay Off Debts
Not sure how I’ll do this exactly, but this really has to be the year. I have to make some responsible changes to my lifestyle, and finally knuckle down and work hard and… ugh, I hate that. Maybe I should change my identity instead?
Change My Identity
Oh yeah, that’ll be much easier. Goodbye Joe King, hello Rufus Weatherby III! Happy New Year, everybody! Thank you for reading!
