U.S. NEWS
Democrats: If Civil Rights Apply, Our Sanctuary Ponzi Scheme Collapses
SACRAMENTO — Democratic state leaders unveiled a new legal theory arguing that civil rights are wonderful, sacred, and absolutely vital...
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POLITICS
Jeffries Accidentally Reads the ‘Please Don’t Enforce the Laws’ Page of the Democrat Playbook on Live TV
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries accidentally live-read the Democrats’ internal strategy manual during a televised tirade against...
WORLD NEWS
Left Redefines Math After ‘Melania’ Crushes Box Office: ‘Zero Is Whatever Hurts Trump’
In a stunning display of collective brain fog now officially classified as “Stage 5 Trump Derangement Syndrome,” Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen...
Canada Ends ‘Let’s See What Happens’ Drug Policy After Discovering What Happens
Canadian officials in British Columbia reportedly pulled the plug on their groundbreaking “do whatever feels progressive” drug strategy after the...
Mexican President Announces New ‘K-Pop First’ Strategy to Distract From Cartel Murders
Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum unveiled a bold new national security initiative this week focused almost entirely on K-Pop, glow sticks,...
California Wealth Tax Leaves Democratic Billionaires Asking ‘Wait, This Is For Real?’
California’s wealthiest Democratic donors reportedly entered a state of confusion and emotional bargaining this week after realizing the proposed wealth...
ENTERTAINMENT
New Democrat Agency Rules Reality ‘Problematic’ After Failing To Cancel Kid Rock
The Democrats have quietly greenlit a new, entirely imaginary bureau staffed by graduate students, professional scolders, and one trembling emotional-support...
Nation Unanimously Agrees: ‘Yes, You Still Have to Testify on Camera
In a historic display of common sense that rattled every Beltway consultant, the American public spontaneously agreed to announce that...
Nicki Minaj Accidentally Destroys the Entire Democrat Election Machine
After Nicki Minaj casually mentioned voter ID in a single Instagram post, the entire Democratic Party reportedly collapsed into a...
Billie Eilish Cares Deeply About Stolen Land, Except the $3M of It She Lives On
Pop star and part-time geopolitical theorist Billie Eilish has been hailed by progressives as a fearless truth-teller after declaring “no...
SPORTS
NFL Skips Belichick for Hall of Fame, GF Announces ‘Real Champions’ Bash, Elizabeth Warren Not Invited
NFL officials reportedly stunned America this week by skipping Bill Belichick for Hall of Fame induction, prompting his girlfriend to...
Progressives Shocked to Learn White House Is Still Considered Cool by Americans
Progressive activists nationwide reportedly suffered simultaneous emotional whiplash this week after Florida Panthers forward Matthew Tkachuk openly admitted that visiting...
NFL Loses Two Coaches After League Decides Winning Is ‘Too Aggressive’
The NFL reportedly plunged into chaos this week after John Harbaugh was fired, Mike Tomlin retired unexpectedly, and left-wing commentators...
Ravens Fire Harbaugh After Consultants Say He Kept Winning Off Script
NFL insiders revealed the Ravens fired John Harbaugh after progressive consultants determined his constant winning was interfering with carefully scripted...
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