U.S. NEWS
Penn State Frat Bros Launch Most Profitable Campus Startup Since Tuition
STATE COLLEGE, PA — A Penn State fraternity allegedly transformed itself into a cocaine distribution startup after members realized tuition...
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POLITICS
Newsom, Kamala, and AOC Walk Into a Bar, Immediately Begin 2028 Opposite-Day Primary
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Gavin Newsom, Kamala Harris, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez walked into a bar Tuesday, demanded the same stool, ordered...
WORLD NEWS
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
Leftists Demand Grim Reaper’s Release After Global Dead Voter Program Collapses
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left-wing officials across multiple continents entered full panic mode Wednesday after the Grim Reaper was arrested outside...
Democrat Attorneys General Defend Foreign Sweatshops as Essential Part of American Dream
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Twenty-five Democrat-led states filed suit to protect foreign sweatshops from tariffs, explaining that American workers must be...
Sánchez Condemns Europe for Refusing to Join Crisis Spain Just Created
CEUTA, SPAIN — Spanish socialist leader Pedro Sánchez accused fellow European leaders of selfishness after they refused to open their...
ENTERTAINMENT
El-Sayed Unveils Participation-Trophy Football, Replaces Tackles With Therapy
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary plan to save American football from masculinity by removing tackling, yelling, scorekeeping,...
Psaki Furious New Press Secretary Came With Working Answers
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki reportedly became furious after journalists praised Karoline Leavitt, forcing Democrats...
Gen Z Moves Retirement Savings Into Sports Betting, Announces Parents’ Basement as Long-Term Asset
CHICAGO, IL — Gen Z investors announced they have discovered a revolutionary alternative to stocks, bonds, and homeownership: losing their...
New Yorkers Abandon DoorDash After Learning Fake Marriage Pays $30,000
NEW YORK CITY — Thousands of cash-strapped New Yorkers reportedly deleted DoorDash, Uber Eats, and every other side-hustle app after...
SPORTS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
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