U.S. NEWS
Klobuchar Unveils Bold Anti-Fraud Plan After Finally Discovering Minnesota Had Fraud
ST. PAUL, MN — Amy Klobuchar stunned Minnesota voters Saturday by promising to aggressively fight fraud after apparently discovering the...
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POLITICS
Newsom, Kamala, and AOC Walk Into a Bar, Immediately Begin 2028 Opposite-Day Primary
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Gavin Newsom, Kamala Harris, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez walked into a bar Tuesday, demanded the same stool, ordered...
WORLD NEWS
Wes Moore Attempts to Redistrict Himself Into Another State
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Maryland Gov. Wes Moore reportedly unveiled a bold new redistricting proposal Friday after spending so much time...
Beshear Joins DSA Bandwagon After Discovering Politicians Are Supposed to Work for Voters
FRANKFORT, KY — Gov. Andy Beshear shocked Democrats Tuesday after praising the DSA’s “big ideas” and accidentally admitting that government...
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
Leftists Demand Grim Reaper’s Release After Global Dead Voter Program Collapses
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left-wing officials across multiple continents entered full panic mode Wednesday after the Grim Reaper was arrested outside...
ENTERTAINMENT
Kevin Sorbo Returns as Hercules to Battle Hollywood’s Seven-Headed Woke Hydra
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Kevin Sorbo reportedly returned to Hollywood this week armed with a sword, sandals, and twenty years of...
Penn State Frat Bros Launch Most Profitable Campus Startup Since Tuition
STATE COLLEGE, PA — A Penn State fraternity allegedly transformed itself into a cocaine distribution startup after members realized tuition...
Massachusetts Mayor Arrested, Residents Demand Answers in Language Nobody Can Agree On
LAWRENCE, MA — Confusion spread across Massachusetts after Lawrence Mayor Brian DePeña was arrested on fraud charges and his attorney...
Oprah Distances Herself From Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Immediately Qualifies for 2028 Democratic Primary
CHICAGO, IL — Oprah Winfrey reportedly became an instant frontrunner for the 2028 Democratic nomination after demonstrating the party’s most...
SPORTS
Reddit Protects Women’s Basketball by Banning Woman’s Name From Women’s Basketball Forum
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Reddit moderators announced a major victory for open discussion Tuesday after protecting the WNBA subreddit from dangerous...
El-Sayed Unveils Participation-Trophy Football, Replaces Tackles With Therapy
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary plan to save American football from masculinity by removing tackling, yelling, scorekeeping,...
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
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