U.S. NEWS
Tom Hanks Stuns MSNBC Reporter By Refusing To Pretend Network Still Has Viewers
CHICAGO — Hollywood legend Tom Hanks shocked members of the corporate press this week after turning to an eager MSNBC...
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POLITICS
Biden Campaign Investigated Gavin Newsom After Democrats Briefly Considered Replacing Stutter They Knew With Hair They Didn’t
WASHINGTON — Democratic insiders were reportedly shocked this week after learning the Biden team investigated Gavin Newsom while party elites...
WORLD NEWS
Left Files 37 Lawsuits After Trump Says “I Love It” About Inflation Instead Of Crying On Command
WASHINGTON — Democrats launched an emergency national meltdown this week after President Trump, exhausted from lawsuits, investigations, fake scandals, foreign...
Seattle Mayor Announces New Public Safety Plan: Remove Resident Barriers So Crime Can Flow More Inclusively
SEATTLE — Seattle’s public safety crisis reached brave new heights this week after residents on a crime-ridden street built their...
Hasan Piker Shocked UK Won’t Let Him Import His Entire Twitch Meltdown
NEWARK, NJ — Far-left streamer Hasan Piker was reportedly stunned this week after the United Kingdom denied him entry, forcing...
Rosie O’Donnell Gets Secret Facelift So She Can Sneak Back Into Visit Trump Undetected
DUBLIN — Rosie O’Donnell reportedly admitted feeling “shameful” after her secret facelift was exposed, though sources close to the actress...
ENTERTAINMENT
Hollywood Demands Tax Credits From The Same Ignorant Americans It Has Been Calling Stupid For 20 Years
LOS ANGELES — Hollywood elites reportedly launched a desperate push for federal tax credits this week, asking taxpayers to rescue...
Robert De Niro Compares Loving America To Abusive Marriage, Immediately Clarifies He Is Still The Victim In Every Metaphor
NEW YORK — Robert De Niro reportedly confused even his own publicist this week after comparing loving America to loving...
Hillary Clinton Criticizes UFC At White House Before Remembering What Her Husband Did In There
WASHINGTON — Hillary Clinton attempted to dunk on President Trump’s Freedom 250 UFC celebration at the White House this week,...
Millionaire Jimmy Kimmel Warns Obscenely Wealthy Weirdo Elon Musk May Become Too Rich For Poor Millionaires To Lecture
HOLLYWOOD — Multimillionaire late-night host Jimmy Kimmel warned America this week that Elon Musk may become an “obscenely wealthy weirdo,”...
SPORTS
MLB Warns Players Bible Verses May Create Unsafe Environment For People Wearing Corporate-Sponsored Morality Patches
NEW YORK — Major League Baseball entered emergency inclusion mode this week after several players reportedly wrote Bible verses on...
Mamdani Shocked To Learn New Yorkers Climbing Burning Buses Do Not Respect Gentle Socialist Suggestions
NEW YORK — Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly stunned this week after politely asking New Yorkers to behave during the...
Red Sox Send Brayan Bello To T-Ball After Learning Pitchers Can’t Give Up First-Inning Runs There
BOSTON — After another first-inning disaster followed by a postgame tantrum, the Boston Red Sox announced Brayan Bello has been...
Anthony Joshua Saves Boxing By Punching Jake Paul Back Into The Influencer Economy
LAS VEGAS — Six months after Anthony Joshua folded Jake Paul like a sponsored lawn chair, sources say the YouTuber-turned-boxer...
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