U.S. NEWS
Kamala Harris Discovers Clinton-Era Voting Law, Demands Investigation Into Whoever Passed It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Kamala Harris reportedly demanded an emergency investigation after discovering federal law already prohibits noncitizens from voting in...
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POLITICS
Maryland Adopts ‘Wes Moore Standard Time,’ Where Every Deadline Is Eventually
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Gov. Wes Moore declared Maryland officially exempt from conventional time after another dispute over redistricting deadlines reminded...
WORLD NEWS
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
Sánchez Condemns Europe for Refusing to Join Crisis Spain Just Created
CEUTA, SPAIN — Spanish socialist leader Pedro Sánchez accused fellow European leaders of selfishness after they refused to open their...
Canada Rebrands NATO Espionage As Multicultural Knowledge Exchange
OTTAWA, CANADA: The Canadian government has condemned Belgium for arresting a Canadian NATO intern suspected of spying for China, calling...
Iranian Propagandists Learn America Still Has One Rule: Don’t Threaten Women And Children
WASHINGTON — Iranian regime-linked propagandists reportedly released a disturbing AI-generated video targeting First Lady Melania Trump and her son Barron,...
ENTERTAINMENT
Democrats Insist Fraud Is a Myth as JD Vance Keeps Finding Billions
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President JD Vance announced that his Anti-Fraud Task Force has stopped $56 billion in suspicious government...
Democratic Elders Warn Mamdani That Socialism Works Better Before Anyone Checks The Math
NEW YORK — Clinton and Obama-era Democratic heavyweights reportedly joined Republicans this week in criticizing Zohran Mamdani, creating panic inside...
Kamala Harris Preaches About Diverse Communities From Behind $8 Million Worth Of Locked Gates
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly hosted another inspirational preaching session about the importance of living in diverse communities this...
Rosie O’Donnell Claims Trump Is Obsessed With Her During Latest Musical Tribute To Trump
NEW YORK — In a dimly lit studio that “definitely used to be a comedy set at some point,” Rosie...
SPORTS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
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