U.S. NEWS
Americans Honor The Ones Who Never Came Home So The Rest Of Us Could Live Free
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Across the country today, Americans paused the noise, lowered the flags, and remembered the men and women...
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POLITICS
Democrat Leadership Masters “We Haven’t Seen It” Defense On Platner Scandal
WASHINGTON — In a coordinated display of weaponized cluelessness, Chuck Schumer, Hakeem Jeffries, and every Democrat still trusted to speak...
WORLD NEWS
Russell Crowe Criticized For Not Letting Paris Autograph Crowd Turn Into Full French Revolution
PARIS — Actor Russell Crowe sparked international outrage this week after committing the unforgivable celebrity crime of asking an excited...
AOC Tells Northern Progressives To “Pull Up To The South,” Southerners Respond: “Bless Your Heart, Try It”
MONTGOMERY, AL — AOC bravely called on northern progressives to “pull up to the South” this week while standing behind...
Kristen Stewart, Worth $70 Million, Quits Billionaire Hollywood To Launch Anti-Billionaire YouTube Channel Owned By Billionaires
CANNES, FRANCE — In a stunning blow to capitalism delivered from the steps of a French villa, Kristen Stewart announced...
Mangione Superfans Obtain NYC Press Passes After Correctly Answering “Do You Hate Rich People?”
NEW YORK — New York City’s press credentialing process reached historic new lows this week after a squad of Luigi...
ENTERTAINMENT
Bruce Springsteen Charges $2,900 To Sing About How Hard It Is For Working People
NEWARK, NJ — Billionaire blue-collar troubadour Bruce Springsteen continued his brave war on greed this week by charging working-class fans...
Canadians Deny Torching American Baseball Team’s Bus Was About Fear Of Losing: “We Were Just Providing Free Heat”
WINNIPEG — Canadian officials are insisting there is absolutely no connection between a U.S. minor league baseball team’s bus going...
Pentagon UFO Files Send Democrats Into Panic Over Possible Discovery Of Their Out-Of-Town Voters
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon released another batch of UFO files this week, leaving officials “speechless” and Democrats terrified that federal...
Stephen Colbert Goes Out With A Bang Of Silence As Final Show Receives Standing Ovation From Applause Button
NEW YORK — Stephen Colbert’s final bow on The Late Show reportedly ended with a thunderous bang of silence, three...
SPORTS
Red Sox Send Brayan Bello To T-Ball After Learning Pitchers Can’t Give Up First-Inning Runs There
BOSTON — After another first-inning disaster followed by a postgame tantrum, the Boston Red Sox announced Brayan Bello has been...
Anthony Joshua Saves Boxing By Punching Jake Paul Back Into The Influencer Economy
LAS VEGAS — Six months after Anthony Joshua folded Jake Paul like a sponsored lawn chair, sources say the YouTuber-turned-boxer...
College Baseball Player Ejected For Celebrating Home Run, Officials Remind Athletes Winning Is Problematic
ATHENS, GA — College baseball entered a brave new era of emotional safety this week after a Georgia player launched...
Caitlin Clark Passes LeBron In Jersey Sales, Triggering Royal Emergency At Nike Headquarters
NEW YORK — Caitlin Clark reportedly passed LeBron James in jersey sales this week, triggering a five-alarm legacy emergency so...
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