U.S. NEWS
Socialist Mayoral Candidate Completes Historic Infrastructure Project: Paints Seven Lines
LOS ANGELES, CA — Socialist mayoral candidate Nithya Raman declared a major infrastructure victory this week after Los Angeles successfully...
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POLITICS
Karen Bass Unveils ‘Sam & Ella’ Street-Food Initiative, Says Health Permits Are Too Judgmental
LOS ANGELES, CA — Mayor Karen Bass unveiled a revolutionary food-safety policy Friday allowing unpermitted street vendors to skip inspections,...
WORLD NEWS
Iran Brags About Knocking Out Tiny British Power Plant, Britain Quietly Starts Paying Attention
LONDON — Iranian-linked hackers reportedly celebrated a historic cyber victory after shutting down one small British power facility for four...
Wes Moore Attempts to Redistrict Himself Into Another State
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Maryland Gov. Wes Moore reportedly unveiled a bold new redistricting proposal Friday after spending so much time...
Beshear Joins DSA Bandwagon After Discovering Politicians Are Supposed to Work for Voters
FRANKFORT, KY — Gov. Andy Beshear shocked Democrats Tuesday after praising the DSA’s “big ideas” and accidentally admitting that government...
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
ENTERTAINMENT
Bat Crawls Into Doctor’s Mouth After Hearing Everything in America Is Free Now
RICHMOND, VA — A doctor awoke this week to discover a bat attempting to move into her mouth, an incident...
WNBA Launches Department of Authentic Womanhood After Two Former NBA Players Apply
NEW YORK CITY — The WNBA entered an unprecedented administrative crisis Monday after ruling Enes Kanter Freedom and Royce White...
37-Year-Old Woman Escapes Adulting by Nationalizing Another Family’s Refrigerator
BRAZIL — A 37-year-old woman reportedly pioneered a revolutionary new economic system after deciding rent, groceries, utilities, and personal responsibility...
SPORTS
They Could’ve Built a League of Their Own—But Chose to Whine About Fairness Instead
NEW YORK CITY — Progressive sports officials reportedly spent years arguing over transgender athletes in women’s leagues before finally being...
Reddit Protects Women’s Basketball by Banning Woman’s Name From Women’s Basketball Forum
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Reddit moderators announced a major victory for open discussion Tuesday after protecting the WNBA subreddit from dangerous...
El-Sayed Unveils Participation-Trophy Football, Replaces Tackles With Therapy
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary plan to save American football from masculinity by removing tackling, yelling, scorekeeping,...
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
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