U.S. NEWS
Anthropic Gives AI a Wet Lab, Congress Discovers Oversight May Be Too Late
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congress reportedly learned Anthropic had given artificial intelligence access to a wet lab Tuesday, prompting lawmakers to...
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POLITICS
Children’s TV Enters Its Mandatory Celebrity Politics Era
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Children’s television entered its “mandatory celebrity politics” era Thursday after Ms. Rachel pledged $1 million to Palestinian...
WORLD NEWS
Today We Remember
Today, we put the jokes aside. Twenty-five years ago, on September 11, 2001, 2,977 people were killed in the terrorist...
Pelosi Shows Her Teeth, Reminds Democrats She Remembers Who Disavowed Her
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Nancy Pelosi showed her political teeth this week, but the target was not Republicans, it was her...
Government Solves Housing Crisis By Updating Definition of “Affordable”
NEW YORK, NY — Progressive city officials reportedly solved America’s affordable-housing crisis Monday after discovering it was considerably easier to...
El-Sayed Unveils Foreign Policy Doctrine: Terrorism Is Apparently Everyone Else’s Fault
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary new approach to terrorism Tuesday based on the medical breakthrough that “hurt...
ENTERTAINMENT
Broke Maryland Empties Its Pockets After Wes Moore Hints at Presidential Run
Maryland residents emptied their pockets after Governor Wes Moore hinted at joining the 2028 presidential conversation, only to discover Annapolis...
Springsteen Wants Democrats to Make Trump Miserable, Adds Congressional Revenge to the Setlist
Bruce Springsteen has replaced half his set with instructions for Democrats on making President Trump miserable, sources have confirmed. The...
Kaepernick Stands Up for Voting, Nation Checks Calendar for Possible Glitch
NEW YORK, NY — Television newsrooms reportedly stopped broadcasting for eleven consecutive seconds Tuesday after Colin Kaepernick announced that politics...
Former DSA Member Commits Ultimate Betrayal: He Remembers Everything
DETROIT, MI — The DSA reportedly activated its highest-level emergency protocol Tuesday after former member Jake Altman committed an unforgivable...
SPORTS
Enes Kanter Freedom Applies to Run WNBA After League Won’t Let Him Play
NEW YORK CITY — After being told he could not play in the WNBA, Enes Kanter Freedom reportedly responded with...
Left Unveils New Anti-Trump Strategy: Horses Disguised as Cows
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic activists launched their boldest anti-Trump investigation yet after discovering a blurry photograph of a horse standing...
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