U.S. NEWS
Witnesses Claim Schumer Tried to Have AOC Haunted
After Dodgers outfielder Teoscar Hernández reportedly fled his Milwaukee hotel in fear of a “spiritual encounter,” Senator Chuck Schumer arrived...
Read moreDetails
POLITICS
Mamdani Denies Being a Communist, Accidentally Announces Communism Anyway
In what experts are calling “the boldest theft since the IRS discovered Venmo,” Zohran Mamdani has proposed The People’s Reallocation...
WORLD NEWS
Schumer Refuses to Reopen Government Until Polls Confirm He’s Cooler Than AOC
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal sources have confirmed that Chuck Schumer is refusing to reopen the government until new polling shows...
Billionaire Cuts Off U.S. Left-Wing Groups, Leaves Them on Read After Discovering They Only Wanted Him for His Money
LONDON, ENGLAND — A British billionaire has reportedly cut off several U.S. left-wing organizations after realizing they “only wanted him...
Deputy Mayor’s Sentence: Complete One Day of REAL Public Service, Declares It “Cruel and Unusual”
LOS ANGELES, CA — Following his guilty plea for calling in a fake bomb threat to avoid work during the...
Family Feud on the Hill: Pelosi and Schumer Can’t Ground AOC
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic leadership is in full-blown family crisis, sources have confirmed. AOC’s latest progressive tantrum reportedly “sent Grandpa...
ENTERTAINMENT
Crowds for Hire CEO Warns of Paid Protesters — Mad He Didn’t Get the Gig
LOS ANGELES, CA — The highly annoyed CEO of Crowds on Demand — a company literally built on renting fake...
Neil Young Announces New Platform: “Neilazon — Only for People Who Hate Trump”
LOS ANGELES, CA — Musician and part-time political activist Neil Young announced he is pulling all of his music from...
CNN Demands HBO’s AI Attend Empathy Training After Hurt Feelings
HBO Max has announced it will no longer carry CNN’s live feed after its internal AI system classified the network’s...
Democrats Form Band, Drop New Album: “BLAME TRUMP — The Shutdown Sessions”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite requesting over a trillion dollars for “safe spaces, therapy goldfish, and emotional support murals,” Democrats have...
SPORTS
UNC’s “Gentle Tackle” Defense Lets Clemson Score for Unity
After Clemson’s win, UNC revealed it had been experimenting with a Biden-era artificial intelligence system to “update Bill Belichick’s outdated,...
NFL Time Machine: Ref Uses Vintage 90s Move, Doesn’t Care About Words
Seattle Seahawks' Jaxon Smith-Njigba reportedly unleashed a few unprintable words at an NFL referee after a play, sources have confirmed....
Commanders Win, Coach Bleeds, Fans Cheer: “This Is Football, Not Hopscotch”
Washington Commanders head coach Dan Quinn was left bloodied after colliding with quarterback Marcus Mariota, and within minutes, woke protesters...
Jason Kelce and Bald Eagle Fight To Keep “Tush Push”
PHILADELPHIA — Eagles legend and ESPN football analyst Jason Kelce has declared that critics of the infamous “Tush Push” are...
MOST POPULAR
© 2025 DailySkrape.com. All Rights Reserved.