U.S. NEWS
Michigan Discovers Fountain of Youth, Apparently Located Inside Voter Registration Database
LANSING, MI: Michigan officials celebrated a breakthrough in human longevity after a complaint alleged nearly 2,500 voter registrants were listed...
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POLITICS
Democrats Give 70 Blue Balloons Congressional Seats After Learning How Vetoes Work
Democrats celebrated their election wins by swearing in 70 blue balloons after discovering that a House majority comes with fewer...
WORLD NEWS
Jay Jones Secures Election by Having Police Arrest Everyone Providing Security
RICHMOND, VA — Virginia Attorney General Jay Jones unveiled an Election Day security plan requiring local police to protect polling...
France Deploys 70,000 Police With Strict Orders to Observe France Disappearing
PARIS: France’s Ministry of Progressive Policing deployed 70,000 officers Saturday with instructions to behave like shopping-mall security guards whose manager...
Canada Assures Public Government Competent Enough to Decide Who’s Competent
OTTAWA: Canadian officials assured citizens they could responsibly oversee irreversible medical decisions, like Euthanasia Tuesday during a press conference delayed...
French Protesters Burn Through Public Services, Demand Bigger Public Services Budget
French activists demanded an expansion of their benefits package after discovering it didn't cover replacing everything they'd set on fire,...
ENTERTAINMENT
Pelosi Warns Socialist Trick-or-Treater to Redistribute Somebody Else’s Candy
Nancy Pelosi emerged from the Democratic Party's haunted mansion Thursday to warn that Abdul El-Sayed's views were concerning, particularly his...
Obama, Biden, and Omar Walk Into a Wedding Chapel. The Paperwork Gets Its Own Attorney.
Obama, Joe Biden, and Ilhan Omar walked into a wedding chapel Thursday and requested seating for the paperwork, sources have...
Democrats Cancel Affordability Meeting After Discovering Groceries Can’t Endorse Them
WASHINGTON: Democrats descended into reality-show chaos Tuesday over whether to address household bills or spend another election treating LGBTQ Americans...
Paper Straw Brigade Demands Drinks Be Canceled Before Trump Can Be Right Again
WASHINGTON: Progressive activists declared beverages a threat to democracy Tuesday after concerns about paper straws forced them to confront the...
SPORTS
Lost Ravens Fan Joins Broncos Retirement Home Fight After Failing to Locate Chargers Fans
INGLEWOOD, CA: A lost Ravens fan joined a senior citizen Broncos brawl Sunday after mistaking two retirees fighting over a...
Charles Barkley Dunks Left’s Entire Agenda, Activists Demand Lower Hoop
Charles Barkley converted Chris Cuomo’s interview desk into a basketball hoop Tuesday and dunked a progressive policy binder through it,...
NCAA Rejects Football’s Identity as Good Field Goal After Discovering It Follows President Trump
BLACKSBURG, VA — The NCAA rejected Virginia Tech’s football identifying as a successful field goal after investigators discovered it followed...
Tony Romo Seeks Medical Leave After Grueling Career of Being Wrong in Air Conditioning
Tony Romo has announced he needs a break from earning millions to guess what other millionaires might do next, sources...
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