U.S. NEWS
Gen Z Moves Retirement Savings Into Sports Betting, Announces Parents’ Basement as Long-Term Asset
CHICAGO, IL — Gen Z investors announced they have discovered a revolutionary alternative to stocks, bonds, and homeownership: losing their...
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POLITICS
Hillary Clinton Accidentally Tells Truth, Democrats Launch Emergency Investigation
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hillary Clinton briefly shocked Democratic officials this week after accidentally suggesting that calling far-left candidates “socialists” or...
WORLD NEWS
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
Leftists Demand Grim Reaper’s Release After Global Dead Voter Program Collapses
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left-wing officials across multiple continents entered full panic mode Wednesday after the Grim Reaper was arrested outside...
Democrat Attorneys General Defend Foreign Sweatshops as Essential Part of American Dream
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Twenty-five Democrat-led states filed suit to protect foreign sweatshops from tariffs, explaining that American workers must be...
Sánchez Condemns Europe for Refusing to Join Crisis Spain Just Created
CEUTA, SPAIN — Spanish socialist leader Pedro Sánchez accused fellow European leaders of selfishness after they refused to open their...
ENTERTAINMENT
Democrats Spend $15 Million to Discover Socialism Is Expensive
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Centrist Democrats announced a $15 million campaign to defeat democratic socialism after realizing Vice President JD Vance’s...
Newsom Registers Coyotes as Democrats After Learning They Live Rent-Free
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA — Gov. Gavin Newsom celebrated an abandoned construction site occupied by coyotes as California’s successful affordable-housing project,...
Carville Flees Democratic Circus After Discovering the Clowns Now Run It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Longtime Democratic strategist James Carville threatened to quit the party after discovering its socialist wing had replaced...
California Spends $15 Billion on High-Speed Rail, Buys Everything Except a Train
SACRAMENTO, CA — California officials announced that the state’s high-speed rail project has reached a milestone after spending $15 billion...
SPORTS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
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