U.S. NEWS
Three Progressive Superstars Race to See Who Can Chase Away the Most Taxpayers First
In a dazzling display of progressive excellence, Governors Gavin Newsom, Wes Moore, and Mayor Zohran Mamdani are locked in an...
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POLITICS
Hakeem Jeffries Issues Stern Warning to Florida: “Don’t You Dare Redistrict… Like We Just Did in Virginia!”
In a masterclass of Democratic consistency and big-boy toughness, House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries has boldly cautioned Florida Republicans against...
WORLD NEWS
Swalwell Campaign Insists Candidate Is Real, Just Too Busy To Appear In Real Time
California gubernatorial candidate Eric Swalwell’s campaign clarified this week that the congressman remains fully available to voters, provided they do...
Hunter Biden Spotted Playing Real-Life ‘Where In The World Is Accountability?’ While Debt Collectors Spin Globe
Hunter Biden has reportedly embraced his current financial situation by launching an international hide-and-seek tour, challenging creditors to track him...
Paris Unveils “Unarmed Policing 2.0,” Encourages Officers To Pivot Away From Safety
PARIS — Officials in a Paris suburb this week announced the launch of “Unarmed Policing 2.0,” an innovative new approach...
Far-Left Activists Fly To Cuba To Fight Oppression, Immediately Locate Only Building With Electricity
HAVANA — A group of far-left activists traveled to Cuba this week to stand in solidarity with struggling residents, promptly...
ENTERTAINMENT
Elite Outrage Now Fully Automated, Accuracy Still Optional
In a bold leap forward for elite accountability, George Clooney unveiled Hollywood’s newest innovation: a “Selective Outrage Generator” designed to...
“We’re The Real Victims!” Kimmel and Left Melt Down
In the most tolerant timeline in human history, the party of “Love Trumps Hate” celebrated Jimmy Kimmel joking that Melania...
Republicans Across America Celebrate German Study Proving Beer Is Literally Medicine
In a groundbreaking scientific discovery that has sent shockwaves through the wellness community, a German study has confirmed that enjoying...
Left Immediately Declares War on Country Music After Ella Langley Commits the Cardinal Sin of Singing with Morgan Wallen
In a display of breathtaking tolerance and open-mindedness, the same people who never shut up about “love trumps hate” and...
SPORTS
CBS Misses Rory McIlroy’s Final Masters Shots After Deciding “Everyone At Augusta Won”
In a devastating blow to Americans who still believe sports broadcasts should show the sport, CBS reportedly missed Rory McIlroy’s...
CB Bucknor Praised By Progressive MLB Fans For Liberating Baseball From Outdated ‘Safe’ And ‘Out’ Labels
Major League Baseball unveiled its most progressive rule change yet Tuesday night after an umpire made a call so confusing...
MLB Unveils Liberal Strike Robot To Eliminate America’s Last Acceptable Public Argument
Major League Baseball unveiled its latest left-wing innovation this week: a strike-zone robot capable of making bad calls with the...
LA Marathon Introduces ‘Spirit Of Completion’ Medal For Runners Who Considered Showing Up
LOS ANGELES — Organizers of the Los Angeles Marathon unveiled a groundbreaking new policy this weekend awarding a “Spirit of...
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