WNBA Rebrands As “Jersey Shore UFC” After Caitlin Clark Commits Unforgivable Crime Of Being Good At Basketball
INDIANAPOLIS — League officials reportedly admitted this week that the WNBA has quietly transformed into a Jersey Shore version of...
Whoopi Declares Herself Spokesperson For All Americans, Pollsters Begin Updating Census
NEW YORK — The hosts of The View reportedly declared this week that they now speak on behalf of every...
Psychic Warns UFO Mothership Will Interrupt World Cup, Aliens Reportedly Refuse To Leave Until They Understand American Politics
GLASGOW — A wildly emotional Brazilian psychic, clutching three crystals and a half-eaten empanada, warned millions this week that a...
Ghanaian Witch Doctor Claims Curse On Harry Kane Worked Better Than England’s Midfield
PHILADELPHIA — A Ghanaian witch doctor proudly claimed responsibility for England's scoreless draw against Ghana this week, insisting his curse...
Socialists Shocked To Learn Free Bus Program Still Needed Money To Exist
NEW YORK — Supporters of taxpayer-funded free public transportation were left stunned this week after Kansas City's fare-free bus experiment,...
Scottish Soccer Fans Outdrink Boston’s Irish, Forcing City To Declare Emergency Guinness Shortage
BOSTON — World Cup officials confirmed this week that Scottish soccer fans have officially outdrunk Boston’s Irish population after marching...
Deep Left Furious After Park Police Arrest Their Reflecting Pool Vandalism Team
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Progressive lawmakers erupted in outrage this week after U.S. Park Police arrested multiple suspects connected to vandalism...
Republicans Suggest Ranch-Loving World Cup Fans Swap Places With Americans Who Hate America
WASHINGTON — Republicans proposed a simple immigration reform this week after millions of World Cup visitors arrived in the United...
Democrats Warn Backing Graham Platner Could Sink Party’s Moral High Ground, Which Was Already Taking On Water
PORTLAND, ME — Democratic strategists were reportedly seen sprinting toward the lifeboats this week after Graham Platner’s scandal-plagued rise triggered...
Hillary Clinton Discovers Biden 2024 Was A Terrible Mistake Right After It Became Safe To Say Out Loud
WASHINGTON — Hillary Clinton returned from the political mist machine this week to inform America that Joe Biden’s 2024 reelection...
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