U.S. NEWS
El-Sayed Unveils Free Healthcare Plan Funded by Everyone Paying More
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary healthcare proposal Monday promising Americans free healthcare in exchange for the minor...
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POLITICS
Maryland Adopts ‘Wes Moore Standard Time,’ Where Every Deadline Is Eventually
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Gov. Wes Moore declared Maryland officially exempt from conventional time after another dispute over redistricting deadlines reminded...
WORLD NEWS
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
Leftists Demand Grim Reaper’s Release After Global Dead Voter Program Collapses
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left-wing officials across multiple continents entered full panic mode Wednesday after the Grim Reaper was arrested outside...
Democrat Attorneys General Defend Foreign Sweatshops as Essential Part of American Dream
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Twenty-five Democrat-led states filed suit to protect foreign sweatshops from tariffs, explaining that American workers must be...
Sánchez Condemns Europe for Refusing to Join Crisis Spain Just Created
CEUTA, SPAIN — Spanish socialist leader Pedro Sánchez accused fellow European leaders of selfishness after they refused to open their...
ENTERTAINMENT
Democrats Spend $15 Million to Discover Socialism Is Expensive
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Centrist Democrats announced a $15 million campaign to defeat democratic socialism after realizing Vice President JD Vance’s...
Carville Flees Democratic Circus After Discovering the Clowns Now Run It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Longtime Democratic strategist James Carville threatened to quit the party after discovering its socialist wing had replaced...
California Spends $15 Billion on High-Speed Rail, Buys Everything Except a Train
SACRAMENTO, CA — California officials announced that the state’s high-speed rail project has reached a milestone after spending $15 billion...
Democrats Insist Fraud Is a Myth as JD Vance Keeps Finding Billions
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President JD Vance announced that his Anti-Fraud Task Force has stopped $56 billion in suspicious government...
SPORTS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
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