U.S. NEWS
Socialist Surge Breathes New Life Into Medicare For All After Activists Realize “They Can’t Audit Everybody”
WASHINGTON — Socialist Democrats reportedly renewed their push for Medicare for All this week after learning federal investigators had exposed...
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POLITICS
Colorado Democrats Discover Biggest Threat To Democrats Is Other Democrats
DENVER — Colorado Democrats reportedly entered full-scale panic mode this week after learning the latest politically embarrassing leak hadn't come...
WORLD NEWS
Paris Deputy Mayor Blames American Air Conditioning After Remembering Paris Is In France
PARIS — Paris Deputy Mayor Audrey Pulvar reportedly blamed Americans and their reckless use of air conditioning for Europe's latest...
Scientists Baffled As Tiny Hallucination Mushrooms Allegedly Reveal Socialist Leadership Consultants
BEIJING — Researchers studying a peculiar mushroom species that reportedly causes people to see tiny human-like figures were stunned this...
Scottish Soccer Fans Outdrink Boston’s Irish, Forcing City To Declare Emergency Guinness Shortage
BOSTON — World Cup officials confirmed this week that Scottish soccer fans have officially outdrunk Boston’s Irish population after marching...
Left Files 37 Lawsuits After Trump Says “I Love It” About Inflation Instead Of Crying On Command
WASHINGTON — Democrats launched an emergency national meltdown this week after President Trump, exhausted from lawsuits, investigations, fake scandals, foreign...
ENTERTAINMENT
Hollywood Holds Emergency Meeting After ‘Supergirl’ Flop, Concludes Audiences Need Even More Lectures
LOS ANGELES — Hollywood executives reportedly gathered behind closed doors this week after Supergirl appeared headed for a massive financial...
Jimmy Kimmel Announces Two-Month Break, ABC Sentences America To Eight Weeks Of Rosie O’Donnell
LOS ANGELES — ABC reportedly announced that Rosie O'Donnell would temporarily fill in for Jimmy Kimmel during his two-month hiatus,...
Union Bosses Warn Socialists That Replacing Skilled Labor With Border Chaos And YouTube Tutorials May Have Consequences
NEW YORK — Frustrated blue-collar union leaders reportedly warned socialist politicians this week that open-border policies are driving down wages...
Chicago Mayor Announces Community Outreach Initiative to Address Violence
CHICAGO — Mayor Brandon Johnson announced a new initiative this week aimed at reducing violence through direct communication and community...
SPORTS
WNBA Rebrands As “Jersey Shore UFC” After Caitlin Clark Commits Unforgivable Crime Of Being Good At Basketball
INDIANAPOLIS — League officials reportedly admitted this week that the WNBA has quietly transformed into a Jersey Shore version of...
LGBTQ+ Community Begs Woke Corporations To Stop “Helping” Before They Ruin Baseball Forever
AUSTIN — Members of the LGBTQ+ community reportedly held an emergency meeting this week to plead with corporate America and...
Psychic Warns UFO Mothership Will Interrupt World Cup, Aliens Reportedly Refuse To Leave Until They Understand American Politics
GLASGOW — A wildly emotional Brazilian psychic, clutching three crystals and a half-eaten empanada, warned millions this week that a...
Ghanaian Witch Doctor Claims Curse On Harry Kane Worked Better Than England’s Midfield
PHILADELPHIA — A Ghanaian witch doctor proudly claimed responsibility for England's scoreless draw against Ghana this week, insisting his curse...
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