U.S. NEWS
Locals Sue To Block Trump Presidential Library/Hotel: “We Only Sue Republicans”
MIAMI — In a stunning act of selective civic outrage, Miami leftists filed a frantic lawsuit to stop President Trump...
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POLITICS
Democrats Accuse Right Angles Of Voter Suppression After Virginia Map Gets Tossed
RICHMOND, VA — In the most predictable meltdown since Hillary lost to a tweet, Virginia Democrats are reportedly suing basic...
WORLD NEWS
Democrats Introduce First-Ever Mime Presidential Candidate: “Kamala Harris Will Say Nothing… Literally”
WASHINGTON — With the 2028 field desperate for a candidate who can promise free everything without accidentally forming a complete...
Late-Night Silence So Good, Ratings Expected To Skyrocket
In an unprecedented display of accidental self-awareness, Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon are reportedly scheduled to go completely dark in...
Italian Village Descends Into Chaos as 400 Illegal Alien Peacocks Declare Victory
A quiet Italian village has descended into full-blown civil war after more than 400 invasive peacocks transformed the streets into...
Swalwell Campaign Insists Candidate Is Real, Just Too Busy To Appear In Real Time
California gubernatorial candidate Eric Swalwell’s campaign clarified this week that the congressman remains fully available to voters, provided they do...
ENTERTAINMENT
Montreal Strippers’ Strike Sparks Global Fan Rebellion: “Give Them What They Want!”
MONTREAL — Chaos erupted this week after Montreal strippers announced a strike just days before the 2026 Canadian Grand Prix,...
Hollywood Stars Prepare To Burn More Jet Fuel Than A Small Country To Lecture You About Your Carbon Footprint
Hollywood elites are reportedly preparing for another brave climate summit disguised as the Cannes Film Festival, where they will arrive...
Joy Behar Has Complete Meltdown After Billy Bob Thornton Tells Celebrities To Shut Up And Act
NEW YORK — Joy Behar’s wig reportedly achieved low orbit Wednesday after Billy Bob Thornton committed the unforgivable Hollywood sin...
Karen Bass’s Nose Grows So Long It Starts Its Own Fire Department
Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass was fact-checked so hard this week that her nose reportedly grew three city blocks, knocked...
SPORTS
Steve Kerr Has Great Woke Awakening
In a moment of pure enlightenment that left social justice warriors weeping into their oat milk lattes, Golden State Warriors...
CBS Misses Rory McIlroy’s Final Masters Shots After Deciding “Everyone At Augusta Won”
In a devastating blow to Americans who still believe sports broadcasts should show the sport, CBS reportedly missed Rory McIlroy’s...
CB Bucknor Praised By Progressive MLB Fans For Liberating Baseball From Outdated ‘Safe’ And ‘Out’ Labels
Major League Baseball unveiled its most progressive rule change yet Tuesday night after an umpire made a call so confusing...
MLB Unveils Liberal Strike Robot To Eliminate America’s Last Acceptable Public Argument
Major League Baseball unveiled its latest left-wing innovation this week: a strike-zone robot capable of making bad calls with the...
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