U.S. NEWS
Wisconsin Frat Accidentally Creates Most Expensive Salad in State History
MADISON, WI — Wisconsin parents reportedly entered financial cardiac arrest Thursday after learning their college-aged sons had allegedly converted hundreds...
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POLITICS
Speedy the Desert Tortoise Launches 2028 Exploratory Committee, Promises to Eventually Get Somewhere
SACRAMENTO, CA — California’s political establishment reportedly entered crisis mode Monday after Speedy, a desert tortoise with no donors, consultants,...
WORLD NEWS
Protesters Defeat High Fuel Prices by Burning All the Fuel They Could Afford
Protest organizers announced they had defeated rising fuel prices by purchasing fuel and setting it on fire in the middle...
French Police Unveil New Immigration Strategy: Help Every Problem Float to Britain
French authorities have unveiled an immigration strategy based on helping every problem float toward Britain, sources have confirmed. The initiative,...
Officials Who Declared Borders Outdated Order Emergency Shipment of Borders
Officials who spent their campaigns declaring borders outdated have ordered a shipment of borders after discovering that Ceuta cannot be...
Today We Remember
Today, we put the jokes aside. Twenty-five years ago, on September 11, 2001, 2,977 people were killed in the terrorist...
ENTERTAINMENT
Plainfield Police Bust Massive TP Ring, Town Narrowly Avoids Two-Ply Apocalypse
PLAINFIELD, IL — Plainfield police reportedly prevented the largest coordinated toilet-paper offensive in suburban history after seizing 650 rolls believed...
NFL Debuts New Era of Bandaids, Tirades and Gatorade
CHICAGO, IL — The NFL reportedly unveiled its softest product yet Sunday after Bears quarterback Caleb Williams grabbed his hamstring...
Cable News Unveils New Journalism Standard: Leave Out the Part That Ruins the Headline
NEW YORK, NY — America’s cable-news industry reportedly unveiled a revolutionary journalism standard Monday requiring reporters to investigate every side...
Hollywood Elite Vow to Defend Constitution, Immediately Ask Who Changed the Script
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Hollywood’s political elite reportedly gathered this week to solemnly defend the Constitution before realizing halfway through the...
SPORTS
Enes Kanter Freedom Applies to Run WNBA After League Won’t Let Him Play
NEW YORK CITY — After being told he could not play in the WNBA, Enes Kanter Freedom reportedly responded with...
Left Unveils New Anti-Trump Strategy: Horses Disguised as Cows
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic activists launched their boldest anti-Trump investigation yet after discovering a blurry photograph of a horse standing...
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