U.S. NEWS
Washington Discovers Pardons Are Complicated When the Other Team Uses Them
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington entered full philosophical collapse this week after President Donald Trump granted clemency to 30 people, forcing...
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POLITICS
Democrats Prepare to Childproof Congress Before the DSA Moves In
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Establishment Democrats reportedly began childproofing the Capitol Friday after Rep. Laura Gillen acknowledged that several DSA-backed candidates...
WORLD NEWS
El-Sayed Unveils Foreign Policy Doctrine: Terrorism Is Apparently Everyone Else’s Fault
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary new approach to terrorism Tuesday based on the medical breakthrough that “hurt...
Iran Brags About Knocking Out Tiny British Power Plant, Britain Quietly Starts Paying Attention
LONDON — Iranian-linked hackers reportedly celebrated a historic cyber victory after shutting down one small British power facility for four...
Wes Moore Attempts to Redistrict Himself Into Another State
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Maryland Gov. Wes Moore reportedly unveiled a bold new redistricting proposal Friday after spending so much time...
Beshear Joins DSA Bandwagon After Discovering Politicians Are Supposed to Work for Voters
FRANKFORT, KY — Gov. Andy Beshear shocked Democrats Tuesday after praising the DSA’s “big ideas” and accidentally admitting that government...
ENTERTAINMENT
Enes Kanter Freedom Applies to Run WNBA After League Won’t Let Him Play
NEW YORK CITY — After being told he could not play in the WNBA, Enes Kanter Freedom reportedly responded with...
Adam Schiff Agrees With Trump, Scientists Warn Reality May Be Unraveling
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Federal emergency sirens sounded across the nation Tuesday after Sen. Adam Schiff publicly agreed with President Trump,...
Left Demands More Jobs, Quietly Adds ‘Preferably From Couch’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Progressive activists demanded more American jobs Tuesday before immediately clarifying that jobs involving steel-toed boots, alarm clocks,...
Common Sense Enters White House Ballroom Fight, Immediately Causes Constitutional Crisis
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington descended into chaos Friday after something rarely seen inside the Beltway entered the White House ballroom...
SPORTS
Left Unveils New Anti-Trump Strategy: Horses Disguised as Cows
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic activists launched their boldest anti-Trump investigation yet after discovering a blurry photograph of a horse standing...
WNBA Launches Department of Authentic Womanhood After Two Former NBA Players Apply
NEW YORK CITY — The WNBA entered an unprecedented administrative crisis Monday after ruling Enes Kanter Freedom and Royce White...
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