U.S. NEWS
Ozempic Users Switch To Taco Bell Lettuce Diet After Learning Side Effects Are Basically The Same
IRVINE, CA — Weight-loss patients across America reportedly began canceling their Ozempic prescriptions this week after learning Taco Bell lettuce...
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POLITICS
Schumer Accused Of Releasing Same Talking Point From Both Ends During Senate Floor Rant
WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer reportedly interrupted his latest anti-Trump rant this week by loudly deploying what aides...
WORLD NEWS
Nation Confused After ADHD Medication Shortage Is Followed By Record Cocaine Bust
SYDNEY — Australians reportedly experienced the most confusing pharmaceutical plot twist in recent memory after months of ADHD medication shortages...
CBP Seizes $1.5 Million In FIFA Cocaine After Smugglers Label Shipment “Productivity Tools”
MIAMI — Customs and Border Protection agents reportedly intercepted $1.5 million worth of cocaine hidden inside FIFA World Cup shipping...
British Police Accidentally Arrest Actual Criminal, Launch Internal Investigation To Determine How It Happened
LONDON — Police departments across England reportedly entered a state of complete confusion this week after one officer accidentally interrupted...
World Joins America’s 250th Birthday Celebration, Socialists Immediately Ask If The Cake Can Be Redistributed
WASHINGTON — As millions of Americans celebrated the nation's 250th Independence Day with fireworks, parades, backyard cookouts, and enough grilled...
ENTERTAINMENT
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
Hunter Biden Wins $1.7 Million Defamation Lawsuit, Immediately Loses It To People He Already Owed Money To, Several Animals, And A Sentient Parking Meter
LOS ANGELES — Hunter Biden celebrated a wildly improbable legal victory this week after being awarded $1.7 million in a...
Rosie Says President Trump Has Dementia, Forgets Why
NEW YORK — Comedian-turned-professional Trump commentator Rosie O’Donnell reportedly stunned viewers by declaring that President Trump has dementia, then pausing...
Hegseth Reportedly Tells Apache Pilots, “Carry On,” After Beach Complaint Over ‘Excessive Freedom Noise’
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense reportedly declined to suspend a group of Apache helicopter pilots this week after a...
SPORTS
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
WNBA Rebrands As “Jersey Shore UFC” After Caitlin Clark Commits Unforgivable Crime Of Being Good At Basketball
INDIANAPOLIS — League officials reportedly admitted this week that the WNBA has quietly transformed into a Jersey Shore version of...
LGBTQ+ Community Begs Woke Corporations To Stop “Helping” Before They Ruin Baseball Forever
AUSTIN — Members of the LGBTQ+ community reportedly held an emergency meeting this week to plead with corporate America and...
Psychic Warns UFO Mothership Will Interrupt World Cup, Aliens Reportedly Refuse To Leave Until They Understand American Politics
GLASGOW — A wildly emotional Brazilian psychic, clutching three crystals and a half-eaten empanada, warned millions this week that a...
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