U.S. NEWS
Broke Maryland Empties Its Pockets After Wes Moore Hints at Presidential Run
Maryland residents emptied their pockets after Governor Wes Moore hinted at joining the 2028 presidential conversation, only to discover Annapolis...
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POLITICS
Candidate Opposing Voter ID Requires Retina Scan, Dental Records to Enter Rally
After candidate opposing voter identification, Bob Brooks required supporters to prove their identities seventeen ways before entering his “Democracy Without...
WORLD NEWS
Pelosi Shows Her Teeth, Reminds Democrats She Remembers Who Disavowed Her
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Nancy Pelosi showed her political teeth this week, but the target was not Republicans, it was her...
Government Solves Housing Crisis By Updating Definition of “Affordable”
NEW YORK, NY — Progressive city officials reportedly solved America’s affordable-housing crisis Monday after discovering it was considerably easier to...
El-Sayed Unveils Foreign Policy Doctrine: Terrorism Is Apparently Everyone Else’s Fault
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary new approach to terrorism Tuesday based on the medical breakthrough that “hurt...
Iran Brags About Knocking Out Tiny British Power Plant, Britain Quietly Starts Paying Attention
LONDON — Iranian-linked hackers reportedly celebrated a historic cyber victory after shutting down one small British power facility for four...
ENTERTAINMENT
New Jersey Sanctuary Policy Enters Emergency Spin Cycle After Crash Injures Mayor’s Wife
TRENTON, NJ — New Jersey officials reportedly suffered a full-system malfunction this week after a fleeing immigration suspect crashed into...
New Jersey School District Announces Parents May Continue Raising Children Pending Counselor Approval
CHATHAM, NJ — A New Jersey school district reportedly unveiled a revolutionary parenting model this week in which mothers and...
Enes Kanter Freedom Applies to Run WNBA After League Won’t Let Him Play
NEW YORK CITY — After being told he could not play in the WNBA, Enes Kanter Freedom reportedly responded with...
Democrats Prepare to Childproof Congress Before the DSA Moves In
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Establishment Democrats reportedly began childproofing the Capitol Friday after Rep. Laura Gillen acknowledged that several DSA-backed candidates...
SPORTS
Left Unveils New Anti-Trump Strategy: Horses Disguised as Cows
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic activists launched their boldest anti-Trump investigation yet after discovering a blurry photograph of a horse standing...
WNBA Launches Department of Authentic Womanhood After Two Former NBA Players Apply
NEW YORK CITY — The WNBA entered an unprecedented administrative crisis Monday after ruling Enes Kanter Freedom and Royce White...
They Could’ve Built a League of Their Own—But Chose to Whine About Fairness Instead
NEW YORK CITY — Progressive sports officials reportedly spent years arguing over transgender athletes in women’s leagues before finally being...
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