U.S. NEWS
Democrats Demand Deportation Footage Be Judged by President, Not Content
WASHINGTON — Democrats unveiled a revolutionary moral compass Tuesday that points toward outrage whenever a Republican touches something they previously...
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POLITICS
Democrats Unveil Affordability Plan, Have Calculator Removed From Event
Democrats unveiled an affordability plan Thursday that makes everything cheaper by requiring Americans to stop looking at what anything costs,...
WORLD NEWS
Omar Changes Birth Year to Become Smartest Kid in Class, Loses Debate to Third Grader
Ilhan Omar reportedly changed her birth year to qualify for elementary school, believing she'd finally become the smartest person in...
French Students Burn Down School to Prove They Need Better Education, Accidentally Prove It
PARIS: French student activists demanding better education accidentally produced overwhelming evidence for their cause after burning down the building where...
Governments Suddenly Locate Missing Citizens After Farage Locates Their Visa Privileges
LONDON: Nigel Farage unveiled a foreign policy hotline that automatically replaces hold music with the sound of tariffs increasing whenever...
Iran’s Invisible Leader Praised as Progressive Commentator Warns Against Looking Behind Curtain
TEHRAN: Iran’s unseen Supreme Leader issued a message praising regime thugs Friday, prompting officials to insist the country was absolutely...
ENTERTAINMENT
Newsroom Preaching Kindness Books Seventeen Guests to Mock Woman’s First Day
Progressive newsrooms declared a kindness emergency after discovering they'd briefly allowed a Trump administration employee to finish a sentence without...
Michael Douglas Demands Script Rewrite After Rogan Explains Why He Left Democrats
Joe Rogan's conversation with Michael Douglas collapsed after Douglas requested a script rewrite whenever Rogan described something Democrats actually supported,...
Diddy Blames “Systemic Traction” After Baby-Oil Slide Through Prison
FORT DIX, NJ — Sean “Diddy” Combs reportedly suffered a cartoonishly large forehead bump after slipping on baby oil he'd...
Lost Ravens Fan Joins Broncos Retirement Home Fight After Failing to Locate Chargers Fans
INGLEWOOD, CA: A lost Ravens fan joined a senior citizen Broncos brawl Sunday after mistaking two retirees fighting over a...
SPORTS
Charles Barkley Dunks Left’s Entire Agenda, Activists Demand Lower Hoop
Charles Barkley converted Chris Cuomo’s interview desk into a basketball hoop Tuesday and dunked a progressive policy binder through it,...
NCAA Rejects Football’s Identity as Good Field Goal After Discovering It Follows President Trump
BLACKSBURG, VA — The NCAA rejected Virginia Tech’s football identifying as a successful field goal after investigators discovered it followed...
Tony Romo Seeks Medical Leave After Grueling Career of Being Wrong in Air Conditioning
Tony Romo has announced he needs a break from earning millions to guess what other millionaires might do next, sources...
NFL Ball Boy Discovers Personal Space in a Contact Sport
JACKSONVILLE, FL — The NFL reportedly reached peak modernity Sunday after a ball attendant yelled “You can’t touch me!” at...
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