U.S. NEWS
Hunter Biden Wins $1.7 Million Defamation Lawsuit, Immediately Loses It To People He Already Owed Money To, Several Animals, And A Sentient Parking Meter
LOS ANGELES — Hunter Biden celebrated a wildly improbable legal victory this week after being awarded $1.7 million in a...
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POLITICS
Campaign Staff Ask Maine Vendors If They Accept Robux After $16 Million Platner Faceplant
AUGUSTA, ME — Democrat campaign organizers were reportedly seen wandering through Maine this week asking local businesses whether they accepted...
WORLD NEWS
CBP Seizes $1.5 Million In FIFA Cocaine After Smugglers Label Shipment “Productivity Tools”
MIAMI — Customs and Border Protection agents reportedly intercepted $1.5 million worth of cocaine hidden inside FIFA World Cup shipping...
British Police Accidentally Arrest Actual Criminal, Launch Internal Investigation To Determine How It Happened
LONDON — Police departments across England reportedly entered a state of complete confusion this week after one officer accidentally interrupted...
World Joins America’s 250th Birthday Celebration, Socialists Immediately Ask If The Cake Can Be Redistributed
WASHINGTON — As millions of Americans celebrated the nation's 250th Independence Day with fireworks, parades, backyard cookouts, and enough grilled...
250 Years Later, The American Experiment Still Burns Bright
Two hundred and fifty years ago, ordinary men signed an extraordinary promise. They pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their...
ENTERTAINMENT
Adults Rush To Claim ‘Newborn Bonus,’ Discover Birth Certificates Surprisingly Difficult To Update
WASHINGTON — Federal offices reportedly experienced a surge of highly motivated adults this week after rumors spread that simply "feeling...
Socialist Surge Breathes New Life Into Medicare For All After Activists Realize “They Can’t Audit Everybody”
WASHINGTON — Socialist Democrats reportedly renewed their push for Medicare for All this week after learning federal investigators had exposed...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
Nation Accidentally Unites After License Plate Cameras Lose Track Of Literally Everyone
RICHMOND — Americans from every political persuasion reportedly experienced a rare moment of national unity this week after learning hundreds...
SPORTS
WNBA Rebrands As “Jersey Shore UFC” After Caitlin Clark Commits Unforgivable Crime Of Being Good At Basketball
INDIANAPOLIS — League officials reportedly admitted this week that the WNBA has quietly transformed into a Jersey Shore version of...
LGBTQ+ Community Begs Woke Corporations To Stop “Helping” Before They Ruin Baseball Forever
AUSTIN — Members of the LGBTQ+ community reportedly held an emergency meeting this week to plead with corporate America and...
Psychic Warns UFO Mothership Will Interrupt World Cup, Aliens Reportedly Refuse To Leave Until They Understand American Politics
GLASGOW — A wildly emotional Brazilian psychic, clutching three crystals and a half-eaten empanada, warned millions this week that a...
Ghanaian Witch Doctor Claims Curse On Harry Kane Worked Better Than England’s Midfield
PHILADELPHIA — A Ghanaian witch doctor proudly claimed responsibility for England's scoreless draw against Ghana this week, insisting his curse...
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