U.S. NEWS
Diddy Blames “Systemic Traction” After Baby-Oil Slide Through Prison
FORT DIX, NJ — Sean “Diddy” Combs reportedly suffered a cartoonishly large forehead bump after slipping on baby oil he'd...
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POLITICS
Democrats Send Schumer Retirement Brochures; Schumer Announces Strong Support Among Brochure Community
WASHINGTON: Chuck Schumer declared he wasn’t going anywhere after fellow Democrats replaced his office door with a retirement community shuttle...
WORLD NEWS
French Students Burn Down School to Prove They Need Better Education, Accidentally Prove It
PARIS: French student activists demanding better education accidentally produced overwhelming evidence for their cause after burning down the building where...
Governments Suddenly Locate Missing Citizens After Farage Locates Their Visa Privileges
LONDON: Nigel Farage unveiled a foreign policy hotline that automatically replaces hold music with the sound of tariffs increasing whenever...
Iran’s Invisible Leader Praised as Progressive Commentator Warns Against Looking Behind Curtain
TEHRAN: Iran’s unseen Supreme Leader issued a message praising regime thugs Friday, prompting officials to insist the country was absolutely...
Germany Finds Intelligence Mole After 20 Years of Senior Center Show-and-Tell
BERLIN — German authorities uncovered a foreign espionage operation after discovering their former intelligence chief had spent twenty years bringing...
ENTERTAINMENT
Maryland Socialists Support Sharing Everything Except the Stuff They Brought
MARYLAND: A progressive festival’s socialism booth collapsed Saturday after organizers attempted to redistribute one attendee’s camping chair, sources have confirmed....
Obama Center Supports Unions, Just Not the One Forming Outside
CHICAGO, IL: Obama Presidential Center leadership declared solidarity with exploited workers Thursday, then called security when those workers turned out...
Iowa Satan Enthusiast Loses Ticket to Hell After Security Tears Up Photo of AOC
OTTUMWA, IA — Former council member Matt Dalbey demanded a refund on eternal damnation Tuesday after security destroyed his homemade...
Minnesota Mayor Gives Criminals Until Friday to Realize Crime Is Illegal
MINNESOTA — A Democratic mayor announced that her new gun ban would defeat criminals by finally informing them that breaking...
SPORTS
Charles Barkley Dunks Left’s Entire Agenda, Activists Demand Lower Hoop
Charles Barkley converted Chris Cuomo’s interview desk into a basketball hoop Tuesday and dunked a progressive policy binder through it,...
NCAA Rejects Football’s Identity as Good Field Goal After Discovering It Follows President Trump
BLACKSBURG, VA — The NCAA rejected Virginia Tech’s football identifying as a successful field goal after investigators discovered it followed...
Tony Romo Seeks Medical Leave After Grueling Career of Being Wrong in Air Conditioning
Tony Romo has announced he needs a break from earning millions to guess what other millionaires might do next, sources...
NFL Ball Boy Discovers Personal Space in a Contact Sport
JACKSONVILLE, FL — The NFL reportedly reached peak modernity Sunday after a ball attendant yelled “You can’t touch me!” at...
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