U.S. NEWS
Mick Jagger Tells Bruce Springsteen To Stop Lecturing Fans And Start Making Whatever That Noise Used To Be Called Music
LONDON — Mick Jagger stunned the entertainment world this week after reportedly telling singers to stop lecturing fans about politics...
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POLITICS
New City Heritage Map Accidentally Omits Everyone Who Built The City
NEW YORK — In what experts are calling “the boldest act of historical erasure since someone forgot to plug in...
WORLD NEWS
Nation Confused After ADHD Medication Shortage Is Followed By Record Cocaine Bust
SYDNEY — Australians reportedly experienced the most confusing pharmaceutical plot twist in recent memory after months of ADHD medication shortages...
CBP Seizes $1.5 Million In FIFA Cocaine After Smugglers Label Shipment “Productivity Tools”
MIAMI — Customs and Border Protection agents reportedly intercepted $1.5 million worth of cocaine hidden inside FIFA World Cup shipping...
British Police Accidentally Arrest Actual Criminal, Launch Internal Investigation To Determine How It Happened
LONDON — Police departments across England reportedly entered a state of complete confusion this week after one officer accidentally interrupted...
World Joins America’s 250th Birthday Celebration, Socialists Immediately Ask If The Cake Can Be Redistributed
WASHINGTON — As millions of Americans celebrated the nation's 250th Independence Day with fireworks, parades, backyard cookouts, and enough grilled...
ENTERTAINMENT
Hegseth Reportedly Tells Apache Pilots, “Carry On,” After Beach Complaint Over ‘Excessive Freedom Noise’
WASHINGTON — The Department of Defense reportedly declined to suspend a group of Apache helicopter pilots this week after a...
Maryland Steak Smugglers Arrested After Selling Black-Market Ribeyes From Pickup Truck
WESTMORELAND COUNTY, PA — Two Maryland men were arrested this week after allegedly selling steaks from the back of a...
Rock & Roll Split: Gene Simmons Waves American Flag While Keith Richards Still Looking For The Decade He Left It In
LOS ANGELES — Rock music experienced what historians are calling "the loudest disagreement since someone suggested disco" after Gene Simmons...
Adults Rush To Claim ‘Newborn Bonus,’ Discover Birth Certificates Surprisingly Difficult To Update
WASHINGTON — Federal offices reportedly experienced a surge of highly motivated adults this week after rumors spread that simply "feeling...
SPORTS
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
WNBA Rebrands As “Jersey Shore UFC” After Caitlin Clark Commits Unforgivable Crime Of Being Good At Basketball
INDIANAPOLIS — League officials reportedly admitted this week that the WNBA has quietly transformed into a Jersey Shore version of...
LGBTQ+ Community Begs Woke Corporations To Stop “Helping” Before They Ruin Baseball Forever
AUSTIN — Members of the LGBTQ+ community reportedly held an emergency meeting this week to plead with corporate America and...
Psychic Warns UFO Mothership Will Interrupt World Cup, Aliens Reportedly Refuse To Leave Until They Understand American Politics
GLASGOW — A wildly emotional Brazilian psychic, clutching three crystals and a half-eaten empanada, warned millions this week that a...
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