U.S. NEWS
Former DEI Executive Says Stealing Knicks Trash Can Was About “Redistributing Community Resources”
NEW YORK — A former JPMorgan DEI executive fired after allegedly stealing a New York Knicks-themed trash can insisted this...
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POLITICS
Billy Crystal Accidentally Crashes Democrat Fundraiser After Monsters Mistake Ends In Disaster
LOS ANGELES — Democrats' latest fundraising event descended into confusion this week after actor Billy Crystal joined Senator Adam Schiff...
WORLD NEWS
Scottish Soccer Fans Outdrink Boston’s Irish, Forcing City To Declare Emergency Guinness Shortage
BOSTON — World Cup officials confirmed this week that Scottish soccer fans have officially outdrunk Boston’s Irish population after marching...
Left Files 37 Lawsuits After Trump Says “I Love It” About Inflation Instead Of Crying On Command
WASHINGTON — Democrats launched an emergency national meltdown this week after President Trump, exhausted from lawsuits, investigations, fake scandals, foreign...
Seattle Mayor Announces New Public Safety Plan: Remove Resident Barriers So Crime Can Flow More Inclusively
SEATTLE — Seattle’s public safety crisis reached brave new heights this week after residents on a crime-ridden street built their...
Hasan Piker Shocked UK Won’t Let Him Import His Entire Twitch Meltdown
NEWARK, NJ — Far-left streamer Hasan Piker was reportedly stunned this week after the United Kingdom denied him entry, forcing...
ENTERTAINMENT
Ghanaian Witch Doctor Claims Curse On Harry Kane Worked Better Than England’s Midfield
PHILADELPHIA — A Ghanaian witch doctor proudly claimed responsibility for England's scoreless draw against Ghana this week, insisting his curse...
Tom Hanks Stuns MSNBC Reporter By Refusing To Pretend Network Still Has Viewers
CHICAGO — Hollywood legend Tom Hanks shocked members of the corporate press this week after turning to an eager MSNBC...
Republicans Suggest Ranch-Loving World Cup Fans Swap Places With Americans Who Hate America
WASHINGTON — Republicans proposed a simple immigration reform this week after millions of World Cup visitors arrived in the United...
SPORTS
World Cup Visitors Smuggle Marijuana And Ranch Dressing Home After Falling In Love With American Culture
BALTIMORE — Millions of visitors attending the World Cup have reportedly declared the United States “the greatest country on Earth”...
MLB Warns Players Bible Verses May Create Unsafe Environment For People Wearing Corporate-Sponsored Morality Patches
NEW YORK — Major League Baseball entered emergency inclusion mode this week after several players reportedly wrote Bible verses on...
Mamdani Shocked To Learn New Yorkers Climbing Burning Buses Do Not Respect Gentle Socialist Suggestions
NEW YORK — Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly stunned this week after politely asking New Yorkers to behave during the...
Hakeem Jeffries Furious Trump Ruined Knicks Finals By Being Recognized As More Natural Fan
NEW YORK — House Democrat Hakeem Jeffries reportedly accused President Trump of ruining the Knicks’ first NBA Finals game in...
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