U.S. NEWS
Bud Light Swaps Cash for Dylan at SF Pride
In a surprising turn of events, Anheuser-Busch has decided to pull its sponsorship dollars from the upcoming San Francisco Pride...
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POLITICS
Judge Orders No Deportation, Gets Gang Member Housemates Instead
In a bold twist of immigration policy enforcement, notorious TDA gang members set for deportation to El Salvador have instead...
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WORLD NEWS
Heaven Closes Gates, Hell Opens Wide for ISIS Chief
In a dramatic announcement that seemed straight out of a celestial screenplay, President Trump declared that ISIS leader in Iraq,...
Putin to Ukraine: Accept Borscht Origins or Simmer On
In an unconventional twist to international diplomacy, Russian President Vladimir Putin has declared that the key to ending the conflict...
D.O.G.E. Unearths Software Goldmine for Taxpayers
In a stunning revelation of governmental inefficiency, the Department of Government Efficiency (D.O.G.E.) has unearthed hundreds of thousands of software...
Robot Heads of State Default to ‘Support Ukraine’ Mode
In a bizarre twist of technological diplomacy, all European robot leaders—yes, actual robots installed to simulate leadership—have simultaneously tweeted an...
ENTERTAINMENT
From Buckingham to Hollywood: Prince Andrew’s Bear Pyramid
In a revelation that has movie buffs and royal watchers alike scratching their heads, royal author Tom Quinn has claimed...
Hough Advocates Land Returns, Keeps Own Plot
At the 97th annual Oscars ceremony, actress Julianne Hough took a bold stance, declaring that Hollywood should return its land...
Newsom’s Podcast Debut Trashed by Barstool’s CEO
In a characteristic display of subtlety, Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy has launched a scathing critique of California Governor Gavin...
Private Jets Sell Out as Celebrities Skip Town
As the impending release of the Epstein files looms, a parade of the country's most celebrated celebrities has been seen...
SPORTS
Olympian’s Powdery Stunt Sparks $10 Million Manhunt
In a bizarre twist that blurs the lines between extreme sports and extreme lawbreaking, former Canadian Olympic snowboarder Ryan Wedding...
Democrats Unanimously Back Men in Girls’ Sports Act
In an unprecedented display of partisan unity, every single Democrat Senator has voted "Yes" on the controversial Protection of Men...
Governor Mills Recruits LeBron for WNBA, Baffles Fans
In a bold move that's left sports commentators scratching their heads and fans wildly amused, Maine Governor Janet Mills has...
Yankees Swap Bats for ‘Staches in New Team Policy
In a nod to bygone eras of baseball glory, Yankees’ owner Hal Steinbrenner has announced a hairy new policy: all...
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