U.S. NEWS
Robert De Niro Compares Loving America To Abusive Marriage, Immediately Clarifies He Is Still The Victim In Every Metaphor
NEW YORK — Robert De Niro reportedly confused even his own publicist this week after comparing loving America to loving...
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POLITICS
Democrats Celebrate Graham Platner Victory By Quietly Retiring Phrase “Moral High Ground”
PORTLAND, ME — Democrats celebrated Graham Platner’s victory in the Maine Senate primary this week by immediately evacuating their long-held...
WORLD NEWS
Left Files 37 Lawsuits After Trump Says “I Love It” About Inflation Instead Of Crying On Command
WASHINGTON — Democrats launched an emergency national meltdown this week after President Trump, exhausted from lawsuits, investigations, fake scandals, foreign...
Seattle Mayor Announces New Public Safety Plan: Remove Resident Barriers So Crime Can Flow More Inclusively
SEATTLE — Seattle’s public safety crisis reached brave new heights this week after residents on a crime-ridden street built their...
Hasan Piker Shocked UK Won’t Let Him Import His Entire Twitch Meltdown
NEWARK, NJ — Far-left streamer Hasan Piker was reportedly stunned this week after the United Kingdom denied him entry, forcing...
Rosie O’Donnell Gets Secret Facelift So She Can Sneak Back Into Visit Trump Undetected
DUBLIN — Rosie O’Donnell reportedly admitted feeling “shameful” after her secret facelift was exposed, though sources close to the actress...
ENTERTAINMENT
Millionaire Jimmy Kimmel Warns Obscenely Wealthy Weirdo Elon Musk May Become Too Rich For Poor Millionaires To Lecture
HOLLYWOOD — Multimillionaire late-night host Jimmy Kimmel warned America this week that Elon Musk may become an “obscenely wealthy weirdo,”...
Woke Celebrity Explains Political Violence Is Bad Unless Delivered With Correct Progressive Energy
NEW YORK — The ladies of The View reached a bold new level of moral clarity this week after actress...
Homelessness Advocate Ben Stiller Heroically Walks Past Homeless Man To Attend Knicks Game And Raise Awareness Later
NEW YORK — Celebrity homelessness advocate Ben Stiller was praised by Hollywood this week after courageously walking straight past a...
Democrats Discover Their Veteran Candidate Has One Small Problem: Veterans Can Hear Him Talk
PORTLAND, ME — Democrats rushed to defend Graham Platner this week after Purple Heart recipient Pfc. Ted Daniels criticized the...
SPORTS
Red Sox Send Brayan Bello To T-Ball After Learning Pitchers Can’t Give Up First-Inning Runs There
BOSTON — After another first-inning disaster followed by a postgame tantrum, the Boston Red Sox announced Brayan Bello has been...
Anthony Joshua Saves Boxing By Punching Jake Paul Back Into The Influencer Economy
LAS VEGAS — Six months after Anthony Joshua folded Jake Paul like a sponsored lawn chair, sources say the YouTuber-turned-boxer...
College Baseball Player Ejected For Celebrating Home Run, Officials Remind Athletes Winning Is Problematic
ATHENS, GA — College baseball entered a brave new era of emotional safety this week after a Georgia player launched...
Canadians Deny Torching American Baseball Team’s Bus Was About Fear Of Losing: “We Were Just Providing Free Heat”
WINNIPEG — Canadian officials are insisting there is absolutely no connection between a U.S. minor league baseball team’s bus going...
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