U.S. NEWS
Gruesome Newsoms Unveil Plan To Prevent Boys From “Drifting Toward Common Sense
California officials announced a sweeping new initiative this week aimed at stopping young boys from becoming “Republican-curious,” with insiders describing...
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POLITICS
Scientists Warn Democrat Yo-Yo Index Reaches Critical Levels After Left Demands Firings, Then Outraged By Firings
Scientists unveiled a new national monitoring system this week known as the “Democrat Yo-Yo Index” after witnessing left-wing reactions to...
WORLD NEWS
Paris Unveils “Unarmed Policing 2.0,” Encourages Officers To Pivot Away From Safety
PARIS — Officials in a Paris suburb this week announced the launch of “Unarmed Policing 2.0,” an innovative new approach...
Far-Left Activists Fly To Cuba To Fight Oppression, Immediately Locate Only Building With Electricity
HAVANA — A group of far-left activists traveled to Cuba this week to stand in solidarity with struggling residents, promptly...
World Honors Chuck Norris, Who Spent A Lifetime Quietly Being Chuck Norris
HOUSTON, TX — Legendary actor, martial artist, and global icon Chuck Norris passed away this week at the age of...
Missing Supreme Leader Emerges Only In Handwritten Notes, Insists He’s “Totally Not Hiding”
TEHRAN — Iran’s New Supreme Leader was reportedly spotted again this week in his natural habitat — a strongly worded...
ENTERTAINMENT
Democrat Leaders Urgently Ask NASA If Moon Contains Untapped Alien Voter Base After Artemis II Flyby
As NASA’s Artemis II crew began their journey back to Earth after soaring past the moon and reporting “overwhelming” emotions,...
Liberal Tiger Fans Chant “Let Him Drive” From Safely Behind Concrete Barriers After DUI Arrest
Tiger Woods reportedly attempted to turn a DUI arrest into a playable lie this week after confusing a Florida roadway...
Canceled Colbert Demands To Know Who Trump Supporters Are, Accidentally Meets His Former Audience
Stephen Colbert reportedly escalated to DEFCON 1 levels of confusion this week after discovering that millions of Americans still support...
CB Bucknor Praised By Progressive MLB Fans For Liberating Baseball From Outdated ‘Safe’ And ‘Out’ Labels
Major League Baseball unveiled its most progressive rule change yet Tuesday night after an umpire made a call so confusing...
SPORTS
MLB Unveils Liberal Strike Robot To Eliminate America’s Last Acceptable Public Argument
Major League Baseball unveiled its latest left-wing innovation this week: a strike-zone robot capable of making bad calls with the...
LA Marathon Introduces ‘Spirit Of Completion’ Medal For Runners Who Considered Showing Up
LOS ANGELES — Organizers of the Los Angeles Marathon unveiled a groundbreaking new policy this weekend awarding a “Spirit of...
Padres Lose Pitcher to Taxes, Newsom Promises Replacement Player Will Arrive on High-Speed Rail
California officials are reportedly scrambling after MLB pitcher Merrill Kelly declined a Padres offer, citing the state’s tax rate, a...
Left Demands Congressional Hearing After Kash Patel Recklessly Celebrates U.S. Hockey Victory Without Apologizing to Canada
Democrats reportedly reopened the investigation into FBI Director Kash Patel this week after realizing he celebrated Team USA’s hockey victory...
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