U.S. NEWS
Massachusetts Mayor Arrested, Residents Demand Answers in Language Nobody Can Agree On
LAWRENCE, MA — Confusion spread across Massachusetts after Lawrence Mayor Brian DePeña was arrested on fraud charges and his attorney...
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POLITICS
Newsom, Kamala, and AOC Walk Into a Bar, Immediately Begin 2028 Opposite-Day Primary
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Gavin Newsom, Kamala Harris, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez walked into a bar Tuesday, demanded the same stool, ordered...
WORLD NEWS
Beshear Joins DSA Bandwagon After Discovering Politicians Are Supposed to Work for Voters
FRANKFORT, KY — Gov. Andy Beshear shocked Democrats Tuesday after praising the DSA’s “big ideas” and accidentally admitting that government...
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
Leftists Demand Grim Reaper’s Release After Global Dead Voter Program Collapses
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left-wing officials across multiple continents entered full panic mode Wednesday after the Grim Reaper was arrested outside...
Democrat Attorneys General Defend Foreign Sweatshops as Essential Part of American Dream
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Twenty-five Democrat-led states filed suit to protect foreign sweatshops from tariffs, explaining that American workers must be...
ENTERTAINMENT
Reddit Protects Women’s Basketball by Banning Woman’s Name From Women’s Basketball Forum
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Reddit moderators announced a major victory for open discussion Tuesday after protecting the WNBA subreddit from dangerous...
El-Sayed Unveils Participation-Trophy Football, Replaces Tackles With Therapy
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary plan to save American football from masculinity by removing tackling, yelling, scorekeeping,...
Mamdani Discovers Socialism Can Redistribute Everything Except Reading Ability
NEW YORK CITY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s honeymoon with the teachers union reportedly ended after officials discovered that socialism can...
Psaki Furious New Press Secretary Came With Working Answers
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki reportedly became furious after journalists praised Karoline Leavitt, forcing Democrats...
SPORTS
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
Kamala Harris Gives WNBA Pep Talk So Confusing Team Immediately Requests A Second Halftime
LOS ANGELES — Kamala Harris reportedly delivered a motivational pep talk to the WNBA’s Los Angeles Sparks that was so...
FIFA Clears Balogun After Alleged Visit From ‘Very Persuasive Consultants’
GENEVA — U.S. soccer fans erupted into celebration after FIFA suspended a controversial red card issued to American striker Folarin...
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