U.S. NEWS
Hillary Lays “I Don’t Recall” Groundwork; Bill Brings ’98 Greatest Hits
Hillary Clinton concluded her deposition yesterday by masterfully laying what aides described as the “Deny, Deny, I Don’t Remember” footwork...
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POLITICS
Democrats Stage Full Toddler Tantrum During State of the Union
Democratic lawmakers reportedly erupted into what witnesses described as a coordinated toddler-style tantrum during President Trump’s State of the Union...
WORLD NEWS
Left Redefines Math After ‘Melania’ Crushes Box Office: ‘Zero Is Whatever Hurts Trump’
In a stunning display of collective brain fog now officially classified as “Stage 5 Trump Derangement Syndrome,” Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen...
Canada Ends ‘Let’s See What Happens’ Drug Policy After Discovering What Happens
Canadian officials in British Columbia reportedly pulled the plug on their groundbreaking “do whatever feels progressive” drug strategy after the...
Mexican President Announces New ‘K-Pop First’ Strategy to Distract From Cartel Murders
Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum unveiled a bold new national security initiative this week focused almost entirely on K-Pop, glow sticks,...
California Wealth Tax Leaves Democratic Billionaires Asking ‘Wait, This Is For Real?’
California’s wealthiest Democratic donors reportedly entered a state of confusion and emotional bargaining this week after realizing the proposed wealth...
ENTERTAINMENT
Left Demands Congressional Hearing After Kash Patel Recklessly Celebrates U.S. Hockey Victory Without Apologizing to Canada
Democrats reportedly reopened the investigation into FBI Director Kash Patel this week after realizing he celebrated Team USA’s hockey victory...
Adults In Pikachu Costumes Take Pokémon Go To The Next Level: Felony
Authorities in Anaheim confirmed this week that three fully grown adults allegedly decided to pursue their childhood dreams by leveling...
Spielberg Announces New Film “Escape From California” — Based On A True Tax Bracket
Hollywood director Steven Spielberg confirmed his next project will be a micro-documentary chronicling his personal attempt to outrun California’s tax...
DNC Rebrands As “Late Night Extended Universe” Featuring Kimmel-Colbert Ticket
The Democratic National Committee announced Wednesday it will replace its candidate bench with a shared cinematic universe starring Jimmy Kimmel...
SPORTS
U.S. Victory Placed Under Review For Displaying Unregulated Patriotism
International officials confirmed Monday that Team USA’s overtime gold medal victory over Canada has been placed under formal review for...
League Suspends Coach For Violating Referee Emotional Safety Protocols
The Horizon League suspended Green Bay coach Doug Gottlieb after his postgame table slam exceeded newly adopted referee emotional safety...
Jutta Leerdam Wins Silver, Immediately Explains Concept Of Unscripted Competition To Jake Paul
Dutch speedskating star Jutta Leerdam captured silver in the 500-meter event Sunday before being forced to gently explain to fiancé...
NFL Skips Belichick for Hall of Fame, GF Announces ‘Real Champions’ Bash, Elizabeth Warren Not Invited
NFL officials reportedly stunned America this week by skipping Bill Belichick for Hall of Fame induction, prompting his girlfriend to...
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