U.S. NEWS
Hakeem Jeffries Reportedly Loses Sleep As Socialist Wing Replaces Party Platform With Childhood Wish List
WASHINGTON — House Democrat leader Hakeem Jeffries reportedly admitted he hasn't enjoyed a full night's sleep in weeks after New...
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POLITICS
James Carville Spills Socialist Kool-Aid, Discovers It Was Beet Juice All Along
NEW ORLEANS — Veteran Democrat strategist James Carville reportedly announced he "can't be in the same party" as candidates backed...
WORLD NEWS
Scottish Soccer Fans Outdrink Boston’s Irish, Forcing City To Declare Emergency Guinness Shortage
BOSTON — World Cup officials confirmed this week that Scottish soccer fans have officially outdrunk Boston’s Irish population after marching...
Left Files 37 Lawsuits After Trump Says “I Love It” About Inflation Instead Of Crying On Command
WASHINGTON — Democrats launched an emergency national meltdown this week after President Trump, exhausted from lawsuits, investigations, fake scandals, foreign...
Seattle Mayor Announces New Public Safety Plan: Remove Resident Barriers So Crime Can Flow More Inclusively
SEATTLE — Seattle’s public safety crisis reached brave new heights this week after residents on a crime-ridden street built their...
Hasan Piker Shocked UK Won’t Let Him Import His Entire Twitch Meltdown
NEWARK, NJ — Far-left streamer Hasan Piker was reportedly stunned this week after the United Kingdom denied him entry, forcing...
ENTERTAINMENT
WNBA Rebrands As “Jersey Shore UFC” After Caitlin Clark Commits Unforgivable Crime Of Being Good At Basketball
INDIANAPOLIS — League officials reportedly admitted this week that the WNBA has quietly transformed into a Jersey Shore version of...
LGBTQ+ Community Begs Woke Corporations To Stop “Helping” Before They Ruin Baseball Forever
AUSTIN — Members of the LGBTQ+ community reportedly held an emergency meeting this week to plead with corporate America and...
Psychic Warns UFO Mothership Will Interrupt World Cup, Aliens Reportedly Refuse To Leave Until They Understand American Politics
GLASGOW — A wildly emotional Brazilian psychic, clutching three crystals and a half-eaten empanada, warned millions this week that a...
Ghanaian Witch Doctor Claims Curse On Harry Kane Worked Better Than England’s Midfield
PHILADELPHIA — A Ghanaian witch doctor proudly claimed responsibility for England's scoreless draw against Ghana this week, insisting his curse...
SPORTS
World Cup Visitors Smuggle Marijuana And Ranch Dressing Home After Falling In Love With American Culture
BALTIMORE — Millions of visitors attending the World Cup have reportedly declared the United States “the greatest country on Earth”...
MLB Warns Players Bible Verses May Create Unsafe Environment For People Wearing Corporate-Sponsored Morality Patches
NEW YORK — Major League Baseball entered emergency inclusion mode this week after several players reportedly wrote Bible verses on...
Mamdani Shocked To Learn New Yorkers Climbing Burning Buses Do Not Respect Gentle Socialist Suggestions
NEW YORK — Mayor Zohran Mamdani was reportedly stunned this week after politely asking New Yorkers to behave during the...
Hakeem Jeffries Furious Trump Ruined Knicks Finals By Being Recognized As More Natural Fan
NEW YORK — House Democrat Hakeem Jeffries reportedly accused President Trump of ruining the Knicks’ first NBA Finals game in...
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