U.S. NEWS
El-Sayed Unveils Foreign Policy Doctrine: Terrorism Is Apparently Everyone Else’s Fault
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary new approach to terrorism Tuesday based on the medical breakthrough that “hurt...
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POLITICS
NYC Socialist Campaigns in Uruguay, Shocked to Learn None of the Voters Live in Her District
MONTEVIDEO, URUGUAY — NYC socialist candidate Darializa Avila Chevalier reassured voters she remains fully focused on her general election while...
WORLD NEWS
Iran Brags About Knocking Out Tiny British Power Plant, Britain Quietly Starts Paying Attention
LONDON — Iranian-linked hackers reportedly celebrated a historic cyber victory after shutting down one small British power facility for four...
Wes Moore Attempts to Redistrict Himself Into Another State
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Maryland Gov. Wes Moore reportedly unveiled a bold new redistricting proposal Friday after spending so much time...
Beshear Joins DSA Bandwagon After Discovering Politicians Are Supposed to Work for Voters
FRANKFORT, KY — Gov. Andy Beshear shocked Democrats Tuesday after praising the DSA’s “big ideas” and accidentally admitting that government...
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
ENTERTAINMENT
They Could’ve Built a League of Their Own—But Chose to Whine About Fairness Instead
NEW YORK CITY — Progressive sports officials reportedly spent years arguing over transgender athletes in women’s leagues before finally being...
Kevin Sorbo Returns as Hercules to Battle Hollywood’s Seven-Headed Woke Hydra
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Kevin Sorbo reportedly returned to Hollywood this week armed with a sword, sandals, and twenty years of...
Penn State Frat Bros Launch Most Profitable Campus Startup Since Tuition
STATE COLLEGE, PA — A Penn State fraternity allegedly transformed itself into a cocaine distribution startup after members realized tuition...
Massachusetts Mayor Arrested, Residents Demand Answers in Language Nobody Can Agree On
LAWRENCE, MA — Confusion spread across Massachusetts after Lawrence Mayor Brian DePeña was arrested on fraud charges and his attorney...
SPORTS
Reddit Protects Women’s Basketball by Banning Woman’s Name From Women’s Basketball Forum
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Reddit moderators announced a major victory for open discussion Tuesday after protecting the WNBA subreddit from dangerous...
El-Sayed Unveils Participation-Trophy Football, Replaces Tackles With Therapy
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed unveiled a revolutionary plan to save American football from masculinity by removing tackling, yelling, scorekeeping,...
Cubs Fan Becomes America’s Grandpa After Smack Heard Round The World
CHICAGO — A Chicago Cubs fan became America’s unofficial grandfather this week after a viral video showed him confronting a...
Poker Pro Learns Hard Way That In Vegas It’s Not Who You Know, It’s Who You Owe
LAS VEGAS — A professional poker player was reportedly hogtied and robbed of his cash winnings this week, reminding gamblers...
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