U.S. NEWS
El-Sayed Has Awoken the Momma Bear—and the Entire Vance Family Is Joining Her
DETROIT, MI — Abdul El-Sayed reportedly made a serious tactical error this week: he mentioned JD Vance’s wife one too...
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POLITICS
Jeffries Promises Democrats Will Win, Two Democrats Immediately Wander Into Republican Meeting
WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries reportedly suffered a brief software malfunction Tuesday after confidently declaring Democrats were...
WORLD NEWS
Iran Brags About Knocking Out Tiny British Power Plant, Britain Quietly Starts Paying Attention
LONDON — Iranian-linked hackers reportedly celebrated a historic cyber victory after shutting down one small British power facility for four...
Wes Moore Attempts to Redistrict Himself Into Another State
ANNAPOLIS, MD — Maryland Gov. Wes Moore reportedly unveiled a bold new redistricting proposal Friday after spending so much time...
Beshear Joins DSA Bandwagon After Discovering Politicians Are Supposed to Work for Voters
FRANKFORT, KY — Gov. Andy Beshear shocked Democrats Tuesday after praising the DSA’s “big ideas” and accidentally admitting that government...
Judges Halt Trump Ballroom, Approve Unlimited Taxpayer Spending to Keep Halting It
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government entered another Code Red Trump Derangement emergency Friday after judges halted construction of President...
ENTERTAINMENT
Common Sense Enters White House Ballroom Fight, Immediately Causes Constitutional Crisis
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Washington descended into chaos Friday after something rarely seen inside the Beltway entered the White House ballroom...
Left Unveils New Anti-Trump Strategy: Horses Disguised as Cows
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic activists launched their boldest anti-Trump investigation yet after discovering a blurry photograph of a horse standing...
Newsom Launches Search for Missing California Money, Volunteers to Lead Investigation
SACRAMENTO, CA — Gov. Gavin Newsom announced an emergency crackdown on government fraud by volunteering to personally help California locate...
Socialist Mayoral Candidate Completes Historic Infrastructure Project: Paints Seven Lines
LOS ANGELES, CA — Socialist mayoral candidate Nithya Raman declared a major infrastructure victory this week after Los Angeles successfully...
SPORTS
WNBA Launches Department of Authentic Womanhood After Two Former NBA Players Apply
NEW YORK CITY — The WNBA entered an unprecedented administrative crisis Monday after ruling Enes Kanter Freedom and Royce White...
They Could’ve Built a League of Their Own—But Chose to Whine About Fairness Instead
NEW YORK CITY — Progressive sports officials reportedly spent years arguing over transgender athletes in women’s leagues before finally being...
Reddit Protects Women’s Basketball by Banning Woman’s Name From Women’s Basketball Forum
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Reddit moderators announced a major victory for open discussion Tuesday after protecting the WNBA subreddit from dangerous...
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