JOPLIN, MO — A Missouri political campaign reportedly abandoned polling, door-knocking, and yard signs this summer after someone allegedly decided the easiest path to victory was apparently to turn the primary into a rejected episode of Breaking Bad: County Committee Edition, sources have confirmed.
Campaign staff immediately unveiled the new slogan:
WHEN IN DOUBT, DENY EVERYTHING.
Then someone found the texts.
“Okay, deny selectively.”
Then came the recording.
“Fine. New strategy.”
One aide suggested:
“That wasn’t mine.”
Another offered:
“I was holding it for a friend.”
A third tried:
“I was getting it back as soon as I stashed it.”
The room agreed that sounded worse.
Consultants reportedly spent three days building a defense flowchart beginning with NOT MY IDEA and ending with WHY IS THE FBI HERE?
One campaign volunteer, who had allegedly been awake for several days for reasons nobody wanted to discuss, kept insisting the whole thing was “great earned media.”
He was asked to sit down.
Political strategists across Missouri were stunned.
“You can just run ads,” one said.
“Apparently nobody told them.”
As of press time, the campaign had replaced its opposition-research binder with one page reading:
DO NOT PLANT ANYTHING EXCEPT YARD SIGNS.
