SEATTLE, WA — Macklemore reportedly began frantically searching storage units for his infamous old prosthetic nose after losing his Ed Sheeran tour gig, hoping the forgotten prop might somehow lure back several fans who escaped during his latest political controversies, sources have confirmed.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t find it.
So he went shopping.
Bad idea.
“The new ones are three times smaller and twice the price,” Macklemore complained after discovering inflation had finally reached the regrettable-celebrity-disguise market.
One clerk blamed rising fuel costs.
Another blamed latex shortages.
A third recognized Macklemore and simply locked the display case.
“Absolutely not.”
He offered two pinky rings.
“No.”
A gold chain.
“No.”
“One actual pinky?”
“Please leave.”
Prosthetic designers nationwide reportedly issued a joint statement explaining they wanted no involvement whatsoever.
“If you need another giant nose that badly,” one designer advised, “start lying and let Pinocchio handle it naturally.”
Macklemore eventually found a discount model at a thrift shop.
He put it on.
Something miraculous happened.
The nose began bouncing precisely on beat.
A producer froze.
“My God,” he whispered.
“He finally found the rhythm.”
Macklemore immediately asked whether it came in platinum.
It did.
He couldn’t afford it.
As of press time, he was digging through his garage hoping the original was hiding behind several boxes labeled CAREER DECISIONS.
He should have known when the “ Nipple Nazi “ got dumped, that
anti-Semitic click-bate toe dipping was quickly going out of vogue !
Fuck’m !