SACRAMENTO, CA — California’s political establishment reportedly entered crisis mode Monday after Speedy, a desert tortoise with no donors, consultants, podcast, memoir, or known presidential ambitions, formed an exploratory committee simply because everyone was tired of discussing 2028 already, sources have confirmed.
Speedy’s platform is devastatingly simple:
Move slowly.
Drink responsibly.
Stop promising everything.
Consultants were horrified.
“He doesn’t even have a five-point plan.”
Speedy blinked.
Pollsters asked about housing.
Speedy went into his shell.
Taxes?
Shell.
Washington?
Deeper into shell.
Political analysts immediately praised his message discipline.
Speedy is reportedly confident about the age question, noting that desert tortoises can live 45 to 100 years, putting him comfortably within the general neighborhood of Washington veterans like Chuck Schumer and Bernie Sanders.
“Finally,” one adviser said, “a youthful outsider.”
His campaign headquarters consists of one rock.
Total overhead: zero.
No private jet.
No hair gel.
No $80,000 consultant explaining authenticity.
Asked when he would release his economic plan, aides estimated sometime between Thursday and 2047.
His slogan:
SLOW AND STEADY. MOSTLY SLOW.
Speedy has refused all cable-news appearances, explaining through an interpreter that shouting over six people sounds exhausting.
As of press time, Speedy had traveled eleven feet toward Iowa and was already complaining about California gas prices.
