WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new effort to “tone the nation’s moral core,” activist David Hogg has reportedly redirected donor funds into WokeBody Bootcamp, a political fitness program promising to “burn calories and capitalism,” sources have confirmed.
According to internal PAC memos, each workout is designed to “combat imaginary oppression through controlled breathing and curated outrage.”
Participants chant slogans like “Share the wealth, feel the Bern!” and “Flex for fairness!” between sets of Patriarchal Push-Ups and Taxpayer-Funded Treadmills.
Democrats have defended the spending, claiming the $5,000 Pilates subscription “builds stamina for social justice” and “keeps David centered during the exhausting act of self-promotion.”
One DNC spokesperson clarified, “Technically, this is grassroots activism — his feet are literally on the ground.”
Meanwhile, the Hogg-run PAC has rebranded the donor receipts as “sweat equity contributions.”
Insiders say the group plans to expand into nutrition with a cookbook titled “Kale Marx: The Manifesto for Meal Prep.”
When asked for comment, one GOP lawmaker dryly responded, “At least this time the left is finally doing some lifting — even if it’s just lifting donor wallets.”
As of press time, enraged donors were demanding accountability after realizing their $20 million had been converted into a “Feelings Fund,” and three months of premium Pilates, one donor was overheard shouting, “We thought we were funding change, not recess!”
