Pete Aguilar reassured the public that democrats absolutely do not want another government shutdown while multiple Democrats standing just feet away shouted that shutting everything down was the only moral option left, sources have confirmed
Speaking calmly into one camera, the DNC chair explained that Republicans were irresponsibly pushing shutdown rhetoric, even as nearby Democrats interrupted press briefings to chant, “No budget, no peace,” and attempt to unplug federal buildings for emphasis.
“This is a coordinated message,” the chair insisted. “We oppose shutdowns, unless they’re necessary, symbolic, emotionally validating, or trending on social media.”
Staffers described a carefully choreographed communications strategy in which Democrats oppose a shutdown on CNN, demand one on MSNBC, flirt with it on X, and blame Republicans for all of it on NPR.
One unnamed Democratic lawmaker reportedly slammed a podium while yelling, “We will shut it all down,” before pausing to clarify that this was not a shutdown but “a temporary democracy reset.”
Party officials later explained the apparent contradiction was actually “nuance,” adding that consistency is a tool of authoritarianism.
Meanwhile, a whiteboard inside party headquarters allegedly listed the day’s approved talking points, including “No Shutdown,” “Total Shutdown,” and “Why Are Republicans Doing This?”
As of press time Democrats confirmed the party remained unified, despite simultaneously promising voters stability, chaos, and moral superiority.
