As the 96th Annual Academy Awards approach, four-time host Jimmy Kimmel has been spotted practicing his monologue at a local boxing gym, while also learning some defensive tactics should any offended celebrities choose to rush the stage, sources confirm.
“We all saw what happened to Chris [Rock] the other year,” said Kimmel, in between rigorous sets on a heavy bag. “Will Smith had no right to go up on stage and slap the host, but I gotta say, Chris probably should have been a little better prepared. You won’t catch me making the same mistakes, though. I fucking dare Paul Giamatti to come up and say some shit to me after I’ve roasted his ass. I’m kind of hoping he will, actually.”
Producers of the Academy Awards say they hope to keep this year’s physical altercations to a minimum.
“Someone coming out of the crowd to assault our host definitely wasn’t our finest hour,” said Janet Yang, president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. “And then presenting said assailant with the highest honor our profession bestows moments later? Yeah, we definitely goofed there. That’s why we have a few new rules at the Oscars from now on. Number one, no going up there and hitting the host, except maybe if it’s Ricky Gervais. And number two, if you do go up there and strike the host, no awards later that night! We’re serious!”
As of press time, Mark Ruffalo, nominated for Best Supporting Actor for his work in last year’s Poor Things, was seen undergoing grueling MMA training and vowing to make Kimmel pay for a joke he told about Now You See Mee 2 back in 2017.
