During a speech on the campaign trail earlier today, incumbent President Joe Biden promised the nation that we’d all get to bed a little earlier if they cast a vote for his second term, sources have confirmed.
“No more of this ten o’clock nonsense,” said the President, during prepared remarks at a speech held in Des Moines, Iowa earlier today. “The other day I got a call from [Prime Minister of the United Kingdom] Rishi Sunak and it was half past eleven! I screamed at him that I was already in my jammies, and cut off funding for a few initiatives we were working on together. Call me at a decent hour if you want to be my ally. No more of this. I’m gonna make some changes next year if I somehow win this thing.”
Many undecided voters confirmed that they did not share Biden’s enthusiasm for the proposed new bedtime lawes.
“There are just like, so many things we ought to be addressing,” said Mollie Fulton, who has voted Democrat in the past but is thinking of just staying home and drinking all day instead this year. “Inflation, the economy, immigration, minimum wage: there’s just such bigger fish to fry that I can’t believe this caveman is up here talking about all of us getting to bed ‘before it gets too dark out.’ Get with the program, man. How is this guy supposed to lead our country if he can’t stay up past 9:30?”
As of press time, Joe Biden revealed that this year’s State of the Union address would be an “Early Bird special,” and will commence at 2:30 in the afternoon.
