Democrats are now hawking Zohran Mamdani campaign merch that looks suspiciously like Marxist bobbleheads — complete with tiny hammers and sickles that fall off if you shake them too hard, sources have confirmed.
Sen. Chris Van Hollen, desperate for relevance, blasted Hakeem Jeffries and Chuck Schumer for not endorsing Mamdani fast enough.
“This is spineless politics!”
Van Hollen shouted, before tripping over a crate of unsold “Property of the State” tote bags.
Jeffries’ office responded with, “Chris Van Who?” — which insiders say will soon be printed on t-shirts sold next to Mamdani’s limited-edition Karl Marx chia pets.
Governor Kathy Hochul sprinted to endorse Mamdani, terrified she’d be left out of the party’s new “Collectivist of the Month” calendar.
Schumer, always a fair-weather friend, reportedly told aides he’d “wait to see if Mamdani is actually winning — then I’ll endorse him. But if he loses, I was never here. In fact, tell people I was at a retreat in Antarctica studying penguin democracy.”
Republicans are thrilled by the circus, noting that Democrats are more divided over Mamdani than they were during their last convention fight over whether cats, dogs, and emotional support ferrets should be granted voting rights.
As of press time, Mamdani’s supporters were demanding endorsements be notarized with free Marxist bobbleheads, plus a coupon for half-off avocado socialism toast.
