WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left-wing officials across multiple continents entered full panic mode Wednesday after the Grim Reaper was arrested outside a Welsh hospital, disrupting what international party insiders described as their most reliable global posthumous voter outreach operation, sources have confirmed.
The DNC and allied progressive coalitions denied employing Death while standing beside a fleet of black campaign buses labeled “Democracy Never Dies — Now in 47 Countries.”
“He was not harvesting souls,” explained one global spokesperson.
“He was conducting end-of-life civic engagement across historically underrepresented cemeteries from Cardiff to Caracas.”
Officials warned that without the Reaper, deceased voters worldwide could miss synchronized registration deadlines, cemetery turnout might fall below 140 percent in key swing afterlives, and millions of lifelong progressives born before the invention of electricity could lose transportation to polling sites in both physical and metaphysical jurisdictions.
Investigators alleged the suspect’s scythe had been upgraded into a transnational ballot harvesting device, Wi-Fi hotspot, translation engine, and portable printer containing 14.7 million completed forms from residents whose forwarding addresses read “Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, or Cook County Global Processing Center.”
Party attorneys demanded his immediate release under the International Voting Rights After Life Accord, arguing that death should never disqualify anyone still present in a global voter database from participating in synchronized democracy during the upcoming worldwide election cycle.
The Grim Reaper insisted he was only visiting hospitals in Wales as part of a pilot program to ask patients whether they preferred absentee ballots, mail-in ballots, or reincarnation-based early voting.
As of press time, leftist coalitions had replaced him with a rotating international task force of Chicago aldermen, London borough councillors, a cemetery shuttle convoy, and a multilingual séance machine running modified Dominion software with cloud-based afterlife synchronization.
Sounds about right to me.
Yes indeed, the Chicago Cemetery votes have always been collected. Imagine the disappointment if they were missed! I can just hear the screaming, wailing and gnashing of teeth. Crooked County has a lot of huge cemeteries. If those votes aren’t counted we could have a scene akin to the Walking Dead right there on the Eisenhower Expressway! (Some of them are used to voting twice due to the name spelling differences at Ellis Island.)
😂🤣😂♥️🇺🇲♥️🇺🇲 Thanks!
That’s going to be unfair to the people that are just dieing to vote…especially the democrats!!!
I have been saying since 1996, that we need voter ID’s. I witnessed illegals voting back then and I knew they were not citizens. Democrats want to cheat, so of course they don’t want voter ID.
These stories and artwork are great, but I’d love it more if you provided links to actual news stories
Silly me, I thought it was common knowledge that only registered voters were elligible to serve on a jury. But alas, 60 or so years ago, I remember that a friend of mine was surprised when her Poodle, Andre Phillippe (Flip). received a summons for jury duty in Brockton, Massachusetts. And said friend had to go through all sorts of hoops to explain that “Flip” was a dog and therefore could not serve. As far as I can remember, Flip did not vote – but he could have! I still wonder how many pets got to register!