WASHINGTON, D.C. — Moderate Democrats have not yet actually begun their declared “war” against the party’s socialist wing, but officials say that if and when it does happen, it is expected to begin with a strongly worded email and an immediate request for emotional support resources.
Strategists have already drafted a $15 million contingency plan consisting of stern emails, disappointed sighs, and a group chat titled “Seriously, This Has Gone Too Far,” which is expected to become operational upon further disagreement.
The first anticipated offensive would reportedly begin when centrists unfollow three DSA accounts and replace “comrade” with “colleague” in official correspondence, pending approval from communications staff and a brief tone review.
Socialists are expected to respond by accusing moderates of violence, capitalism, and using punctuation associated with landlords, though no formal counteroffensive has been launched yet.
James Carville has been floated as a potential field marshal, though insiders say he may decline if required uniforms remain sustainably sourced beige cardigans and the battle cry continues to be “I hear your perspective.”
John Fetterman has suggested simply telling voters socialism is bad, a proposal consultants are expected to reject as “prematurely effective.”
Hasan Piker is anticipated to livestream any escalation from a luxury bunker, explaining that working-class warfare requires imported lighting, premium microphones, and a staff of twelve, though no broadcast schedule has been confirmed.
Should both sides eventually meet on the metaphorical battlefield, analysts expect a prolonged period of emotional-support circle formation, mutual invalidation accusations, and at least one scheduled break for hydration and processing.
Republicans, for their part, are expected to remain focused on legislative work and governance deadlines, occasionally glancing over at the situation but largely uninterested in treating it as entertainment given their current workload.
As of press time, no democratic civil war has occurred, though both factions have reportedly prepared participation trophies in advance and agreed that any escalation will be paused if it becomes emotionally overwhelming.
Loved every word. As long as that thought didn’t upset anyone lol
If only the democrats would come to their senses and realize what they are getting.
This is a consequence of two things for the young voters who are propelling this movement: first off an upbringing that created an unrealistic economic expectation, and two, the establishment politicians who are more interested in retaining power than they are in making life more affordable for everyday Americans
Grabbing some popcorn, sitting back and watching the show…
Nice touch !