ST. PAUL, MN — Minnesota officials unveiled a dramatically improved vetting process Thursday after discovering that handing out entrepreneurship awards before checking whether recipients were allegedly stealing taxpayer money occasionally creates awkward follow-up ceremonies, sources have confirmed.
The previous application reportedly contained three questions:
Are you inspiring?
Do you have a startup?
Would you like a trophy?
The revised version adds a fourth:
“Any million-dollar Medicaid misunderstandings we should know about?”
Officials insisted nobody could have predicted trouble because the original award ceremony had balloons, catered sandwiches, and an extremely professional-looking certificate.
After learning Salman Ahmed Elmi once said nobody in his family owned businesses, Minnesota taxpayers reportedly responded, “Apparently we were the silent partners.”
His Shark Tank pitch was immediately leaked.
“Hello Sharks. I’m seeking $1 million for zero percent equity because Medicaid already invested.”
Kevin O’Leary asked for receipts.
He was promptly escorted from Minnesota for creating a hostile accounting environment.
Gov. Tim Walz reportedly unveiled a new state slogan:
MINNESOTA: COME FOR THE OPPORTUNITY, STAY FOR THE AUDIT.
Officials also announced future awards will be presented only after nominees complete background checks, financial reviews, and one revolutionary procedure called Googling their names.
As of press time, Minnesota added a disclaimer to every trophy: “Recognition does not constitute evidence that anybody checked.”
