RALEIGH, NC — Senate candidate Roy Cooper declared war on greedy healthcare corporations Thursday before quietly asking staff whether declaring war would negatively affect his healthcare investments, sources have confirmed.
“Corporate healthcare is destroying America,” Cooper thundered while refreshing his brokerage account.
“Oh wow, Centene’s moving. Anyway, where was I?”
Campaign aides unveiled Cooper’s revolutionary Healthcare for Everyone Except Please Don’t Hurt the Share Price Plan.
Under the proposal, insurance executives will be condemned publicly, welcomed privately, taxed symbolically, and seated according to donation level at campaign dinners.
Sources also pointed to an apparent $400,000 in contributions from healthcare CEOs; when asked why he wouldn’t donate it to help families without coverage, Cooper reportedly said he still needed “band-aids,” because they were getting expensive.
One voter asked why companies politicians constantly describe as villains always seem to have excellent seats at Democratic fundraisers.
“That’s different,” an aide explained.
“Those are compassionate corporations.”
Another reporter mentioned healthcare stocks.
Security immediately confiscated his calculator.
Cooper then promised to protect working families from enormous insurance costs while standing beneath a banner accidentally sponsored by people who apparently enjoy enormous insurance revenues.
A socialist activist demanded eliminating healthcare profits entirely.
Every donor in the ballroom froze.
Cooper quickly clarified that excessive profit is immoral unless properly diversified.
As of press time, Democrats had scheduled another rally against corporate healthcare greed immediately following a closed-door reception thanking corporate healthcare for its continued support.
They’re all money grubbing, hypocritical, pukes