PLAINFIELD, IL — Plainfield police reportedly prevented the largest coordinated toilet-paper offensive in suburban history after seizing 650 rolls believed destined for a simultaneous homecoming attack on trees, mailboxes, alleyways, and at least one innocent shrub, sources have confirmed.
Authorities say the students had multiple stashes hidden around town.
Garages.
Trunks.
Back seats.
One suspicious minivan allegedly contained nothing but Charmin and Capri Suns.
Then police deployed their secret weapon:
FIDO, THE TP-SNIFFING K9.
FIDO immediately went to work, nose to pavement, tail rigid, tracking the unmistakable scent of quilted two-ply across six blocks.
He alerted on three garages, one Honda Civic, a Costco receipt, and a confused elderly man carrying paper towels.
At one point, FIDO reportedly sat down beside a storm drain and refused to move.
Officers opened it.
Fourteen rolls.
“Good boy.”
FIDO then began barking at a local grocery store.
Management panicked.
A pallet of Ultra Soft was placed under armed guard.
By sunset, the department had upgraded FIDO’s title to Special Agent, Paper Products Division and issued him a tiny tactical vest reading:
K-9 UNIT: FLUSH SQUAD.
Residents immediately discovered their own supplies missing.
Full rolls.
Half rolls.
Even those humiliating cardboard tubes with two emergency squares clinging to them.
Parents began hanging HAVE YOU SEEN MY TP? posters while walking through neighborhoods with flashlights and increasingly uncomfortable strides.
As of press time, FIDO had requested federal backup after detecting what investigators described only as “an industrial-strength two-ply signature” beneath the school gym.
