JACKSONVILLE, FL — The NFL reportedly reached peak modernity Sunday after a ball attendant yelled “You can’t touch me!” at Josh Hines-Allen during a sport built almost entirely around 250-pound men launching themselves into one another, sources have confirmed.
Hines-Allen had one objective:
Get Travis Hunter’s first interception ball.
The attendant had another:
Turn the sideline into HR orientation.
(Ball Boy): “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Hines-Allen looked at the field.
Twenty-two men were actively colliding.
One had just been tackled by three people.
Somewhere, Bobby Boucher felt a disturbance in the force.
(Boucher): “That ain’t no medulla oblongata problem. That’s a people-are-too-soft problem.”
Back in the old days, Waterboys got yelled at, tackled by accident, sprayed with Gatorade, and still showed up with towels.
They just don’t make ’em like that anymore.
The ball attendant clutched the football like it contained launch codes.
Players nearby began whispering:
“Can we still high-five?”
“Only with written consent.”
“What about chest bumps?”
“Pending legal review.”
By halftime, sideline staff were reportedly wearing laminated boundary cards.
Retired players watching from home laughed so hard several old knee injuries reactivated.
As of press time, Bobby Boucher had volunteered to return to the league, provided nobody asked him to attend a workplace-sensitivity seminar first.
I refused to currently watch today’s football, bunch of wimps! Yes! I would proudly say it to their faces. They cannot fight if their life depends on it. I miss the early 70’s and 80’s football games because they were men, men built on toughness not wearing women’s high heels and pearl necklaces. I hope Olympic style wrestling never changes, these are the real athletes.
For men to be real men you need to watch hockey.
I live in MX where soccer is run by wimps, they don’t have balls so they clutch their legs – anyway, in my bar i featured soccer, football and hockey on multiple tvs.
The locals really couldn’t believe the hits dished out in hockey. hits where no player clutched himself and cried for a penalty [well most times not].
I agree. NHL the real men if sports.
For men to be real men you need to watch hockey.
I live in MX where soccer is run by wimps, they don’t have balls so they clutch their legs – anyway, in my bar i featured soccer, football and hockey on multiple tvs.
The locals really couldn’t believe the hits dished out in hockey. hits where no player clutched himself and cried for a penalty [well most times not].
As a Jacksonvillian and Jags fan this made me LOL. Thanks for one of my few laughs today!