JACKSONVILLE, FL — The NFL reportedly reached peak modernity Sunday after a ball attendant yelled “You can’t touch me!” at Josh Hines-Allen during a sport built almost entirely around 250-pound men launching themselves into one another, sources have confirmed.
Hines-Allen had one objective:
Get Travis Hunter’s first interception ball.
The attendant had another:
Turn the sideline into HR orientation.
(Ball Boy): “DON’T TOUCH ME!”
Hines-Allen looked at the field.
Twenty-two men were actively colliding.
One had just been tackled by three people.
Somewhere, Bobby Boucher felt a disturbance in the force.
(Boucher): “That ain’t no medulla oblongata problem. That’s a people-are-too-soft problem.”
Back in the old days, Waterboys got yelled at, tackled by accident, sprayed with Gatorade, and still showed up with towels.
They just don’t make ’em like that anymore.
The ball attendant clutched the football like it contained launch codes.
Players nearby began whispering:
“Can we still high-five?”
“Only with written consent.”
“What about chest bumps?”
“Pending legal review.”
By halftime, sideline staff were reportedly wearing laminated boundary cards.
Retired players watching from home laughed so hard several old knee injuries reactivated.
As of press time, Bobby Boucher had volunteered to return to the league, provided nobody asked him to attend a workplace-sensitivity seminar first.
I refused to currently watch today’s football, bunch of wimps! Yes! I would proudly say it to their faces. They cannot fight if their life depends on it. I miss the early 70’s and 80’s football games because they were men, men built on toughness not wearing women’s high heels and pearl necklaces. I hope Olympic style wrestling never changes, these are the real athletes.
For men to be real men you need to watch hockey.
I live in MX where soccer is run by wimps, they don’t have balls so they clutch their legs – anyway, in my bar i featured soccer, football and hockey on multiple tvs.
The locals really couldn’t believe the hits dished out in hockey. hits where no player clutched himself and cried for a penalty [well most times not].
I agree. NHL the real men if sports.
I like watching my hockey but International wrestling are toughest and oldest sport in the universe. I remember in 1992, the boxing team was overstaying their time at the Colorado Springs training facility. We wrestlers came in to train and the boxers were still there. It took our super heavyweight and a few 198 overs to raise their voices and the boxers ran out of that gym faster than a heartbeat. Pernal Withtaker and Oscar DeHoya were very apologetically. I take wrestling over anything and I cannot stand the Laporte” Flopper” either.
For men to be real men you need to watch hockey.
I live in MX where soccer is run by wimps, they don’t have balls so they clutch their legs – anyway, in my bar i featured soccer, football and hockey on multiple tvs.
The locals really couldn’t believe the hits dished out in hockey. hits where no player clutched himself and cried for a penalty [well most times not].
As a Jacksonvillian and Jags fan this made me LOL. Thanks for one of my few laughs today!
I have not watched a football game since the fired quarterback sued, and managed to get the NFL to disrespect our Country, our Stars and Stripes, and our National Anthem.
I heard rumors that the quarterbacks are now crying fowl if they are tackled, or even touched by the defense.
Yeah, I have a few years on me.
I am from the days when the game was played on grass, during the hot summers, the rainy weather, ice and snow.
I was a ball boy as part of my job with the Giants back in the ‘60s. The only guy who got a ball away from me was a Cleveland cop. When two Eagles fans tried to mug my partner after a PAT, I sprinted over and laid a forearm shiver on the goons and retrieved both th ball and my partner.