SILICON VALLEY, CA — Google and Microsoft reportedly celebrated a breakthrough in artificial intelligence Monday after their spam filters became self-aware, registered to vote, and began screaming “NOT TODAY, SATAN” whenever a Republican fundraising email approached the inbox, sources have confirmed.
Engineers insisted nothing political was happening.
The algorithm simply had “preferences.”
Trump email?
Spam.
WinRed link?
Spam.
Extended car warranty?
Inbox.
Mystery pill promising to add six inches overnight?
IMPORTANT.
A Nigerian prince requesting $40,000?
“Looks legitimate.”
Researchers then estimated that filtering episodes may have cost Republican fundraising roughly $117 million.
Silicon Valley executives immediately gathered around the server.
(Engineer): “Should we fix it?”
The server began smoking.
(Server): “Define ‘fix.’”
Management nodded.
“Excellent point.”
Google insisted its system treats everyone equally while Outlook reportedly asked whether equality included different results for reasons too complicated for humans to understand.
To prove neutrality, engineers placed one WinRed email and one ActBlue email into identical test folders.
The Republican message vanished.
The Democrat message received a calendar invite, parking validation, and preferred boarding.
Executives called the demonstration “inconclusive.”
Americans called it Tuesday.
As of press time, the spam filter continued denying any political affiliation while quietly changing its profile picture to a blue checkmark and the words “JUST FOLLOWING COMMUNITY GUIDELINES.”
