Hours after Democrats celebrated their midterm wins, a coalition of business lobbyists demanded mass amnesty to address a labor shortage that mysteriously disappears whenever somebody offers three dollars more an hour, sources have confirmed.
The coalition held its press conference at a hotel where the ballroom staff had been told to clock out before setting up the podium.
“We believe every worker deserves a path to citizenship,” said the chairman.
“Ideally, it runs through our loading dock and takes thirty years.”
A reporter asked whether legalization might give workers the freedom to leave for better jobs.
The chairman looked genuinely rattled. An aide whispered something in his ear, and he asked if the freedom could vest gradually.
A Democratic staffer offered to put “worker empowerment” in the bill.
The lobbyists agreed, provided it appeared somewhere between the page numbers and the little hole the binder clip covers.
Then a dishwasher took the microphone and asked for a raise. The chairman explained that his company was like a family.
“Great,” said the dishwasher. “Can I borrow the boat?”
Security arrived before anyone could establish which boat he meant.
As of press time, the coalition had hired a consultant at $900 an hour to investigate why nobody would wash dishes for twelve.
I am going to laugh my butt off when not only JOBS but Businesses themselves start disappearing. Folks as usual haven’t done there homework. Look what happened in California. Prepare to draw unemployment folks.