California — Democratic Rep. Adam Schiff at a recent press conference is sounding the alarm after allegedly suffering from a major threat to his upcoming Senate race; erection interference.
Schiff explains his inability to get stiff has been an ongoing issue for several years now and he has finally had enough. “It happened at the Democratic Committee pool party that was held in the summer of 2020” Schiff explained. “It was during the pandemic lockdowns when we made sure only important people were allowed to enjoy their life. We threw a fabulous soiree where Lady Gaga and Bruce Springsteen performed. We were drinking and laughing about how many small businesses were closed, and how good this was for us. You see, Donald Trump was doing extremely well with the economy and this was simply not good for us one bit. Shutting down the economy was working, the whole system was in chaos. It was great… but that’s when it happened.”
Schiff started to tear up while explaining, “It was then that I saw Nancy Pelosi… in a bikini. It was horrific.” Schiff was struggling to speak, but managed to get the words out slowly, “The cellulite was just everywhere, it was like someone had wrapped cottage cheese with dental floss.”
It was at this moment that Schiff began to uncontrollably cry, “I haven’t been able to get aroused since. But, that’s not the worst part. My family no longer respects me as the man of the house… My wife has been having an affair with the guy who mows the lawn… He’s an illegal immigrant though, so it’s cool I guess… My kids look at me with disappointment. My dog stopped obeying my commands, he just growls and barks at me nonstop until I lay on the ground with my belly exposed. My life is falling apart.”
Schiff announced during the press conference that he is opening up a parliamentary inquiry into Russian interference with his libido. “I don’t have any evidence, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true!” he shouted as he stormed away like a wobbly wet noodle.
