WASHINGTON, D.C., former President Joe Biden announced plans to publish a new memoir after the midterm elections, forcing aides to quickly dust off the Oval Office auto-pen, plug in the emergency teleprompter, and begin rebooting what one source described as “the presidential motherboard,” sources have confirmed.
The memoir, titled Promise Me, America, reportedly secured a massive advance, though insiders say the money will mostly go toward memory foam shoes, fresh cue cards, and a team of technicians tasked with reminding Biden what a book is.
“This is an exciting literary moment,” said one publishing executive.
“President Biden brings decades of experience, historic insight, and the rare ability to forget a sentence while still standing inside it.”
Sources close to the project say Biden has already completed the first three pages, all of which begin with, “Hey man, this is Joe Biden,” before dissolving into what editors described as “patriotic keyboard oatmeal.”
One draft allegedly reads:
“Promise me, America, oiq0iueiorwoihuiahguiohaoj, anyway, where’s Corn Pop?”
Aides insist the memoir will be deeply personal, provided they can determine which memories belong to Biden, which belong to staffers, and which were accidentally generated by the auto-pen during a firmware update.
As of press time, Biden had promised the book would explain everything, then asked whether he was running for president, vice president, or lunch.
I suppose when you need to fund your lifestyle like has been in the past and you can no longer sell your influence, this is what you do. Another book not many will read.
Definitely the worst Resident of the United States, this clown did not know where he was or who he was talking to or who was in the audience. I remember Carter and thought, he was the wrong President at the wrong time but Slow Biden takes the cake as the worst. The only thing he got right was the flavor ice cream he wanted when he was in the basement. The book will be full of bullshit lies.
One of the saddest commentaries I know is when the dancer does not know when to dance off the stage. Whomever keeps putting this guy up and out in the public needs to be shot. It is a sad commentary on a man who should just be left alone to enjoy his retirement.
Alan,
I agree…
If anybody other than his family and handlers were doing the things they’ve done to Joe,
they would be charged with elder abuse !
It will be a book of plain, blank pages.