Location: Washington, D.C. — Protests have erupted across multiple college campuses with shouts calling for “Intifada against Israel”. President Joe Biden has been facing fierce criticism from his own party, with nicknames such as “Genocide Joe” being hurled as an insult due to his stance on the war in Israel.
When news of this growing discontent reached the President’s hearing aid, he quickly assembled a press conference to address the Ivy league Hamas supporters. “Look guys, I know you are upset…” The aging president spoke with a calming whisper. “I am too.
Let me tell you a story regarding the late Senator Robert C. Byrd of West Virginia. He was my hero and I looked up to him my whole life. I even spoke at his funeral. His list of accomplishments are many, but one of his greatest accomplishments is his ardent activism against the Jews. That’s right, he was a member of the KKK you snot nosed Nancy boys! Now unless you young punks forget, it was the Democrats who built up the Klan and gave them a political voice. In other words. I was Jew hating since before you were born, Jack!”
The President proceeded to ramble incoherently for several moments and then ended the speech by donning a pair of aviator sunglasses. He shuffled off stage and attempted to sniff a baby that was being held by a woman in the crowd. Luckily for the baby, the Secret Service was quick to prevent the president (code name: “Sniffles”), from traumatizing the infant.
Protestors were interviewed if the speech made a difference in their opinion of the president. Benjamin Bowzenstein spoke on the matter. “It didn’t change my opinion on anything!” He explained “He has to stop supporting the Genocide in Gaza and start supporting the intifada on Jewish people!”
When the English communications major at Columbia university was asked if he saw any hypocrisy in the statement he just made, the student responded, “What does Hypocrisy mean? Is that like an STD or something?”
-JK
