Pop star and part-time geopolitical theorist Billie Eilish has been hailed by progressives as a fearless truth-teller after declaring “no borders on stolen land,” a philosophy she applies rigorously to every property she does not own, sources have confirmed
According to insiders, Eilish spent the week convening a deeply spiritual committee of TikTok activists, candle merchants, and one very confused real-estate attorney to determine whether her gated Los Angeles mansion qualifies as “ancestral land” or merely “ancestral vibes.”
“I stand with Indigenous peoples,” Eilish reportedly said while being driven through her private security gate. “But I also stand behind really tall walls that keep out… everyone.”
The Tongva tribe politely requested a conversation, which Eilish agreed to—so long as it could be filmed in soft lighting, set to moody music, and framed as a journey of personal growth rather than, you know, a property negotiation.
Left-wing allies praised her courage, explaining that returning land is “colonial,” but tweeting about returning land is “healing.”
Meanwhile, activists have already moved on to a new cause involving biodegradable guilt and artisanal outrage.
As of press time Eilish was reportedly drafting a new anthem titled No Borders (Except Mine) while installing even taller ones.
