College administrators across the country expressed visible shock this week after discovering students educated almost entirely on vibes, feelings, and self-expression are now struggling to read actual words, a development officials insist was “impossible to predict.”
“We focused on what really matters,” said one administrator earning a seven-figure salary to oversee student happiness metrics.
“Critical thinking, grammar, and literacy felt exclusionary. We assumed the words would sort of… absorb themselves.”
For years, education boards reassured parents that reading proficiency was less important than confidence, equity statements, and learning how to feel correct about things.
Now, faced with graduates who panic when confronted with a paragraph longer than a tweet, officials insist the system worked perfectly.
A recent study reportedly confirmed the crisis, though administrators admitted they struggled to read the report and instead relied on a summary written in bullet points and emojis.
“It’s not that they can’t read,” another dean clarified.
“They’re just engaging with text emotionally. You don’t read words, you experience them.”
When questioned about declining test scores and ballooning administrative salaries, board members blamed funding shortages, systemic fonts, and inevitably President Trump, stating he plans to dismantle the Board of Education and force schools to prove they taught something.
Administrators were quick to stress the students aren’t the problem.
The students are smart, creative, and capable.
They were simply promised education and delivered therapy sessions, participation trophies, and worksheets about their relationship with commas.
Adding insult to injury, employers report a growing trend where graduates with expensive degrees can’t perform the jobs they studied for, while applicants who skipped college entirely keep getting hired because they can read instructions and didn’t need a loan to learn how.
At press time, universities announced a task force to study whether literacy itself was ever really necessary.
Our education system has become a pathetic joke. I had the misfortune of (trying to) work with a recently “graduated” structural engineer. The man was clueless about his job. Thousands of dollars wasted “educating” this idiot.
Math is racist. Keeping children back hurts their feelings. Teaching them how to think instead of what to think is hazardous to the world government. We have exactly what is wanted. Easily led people.
Surprise – they are “experiencing” reality.
Ain’t nobody got time for Dat!