Colombian President Gustavo Petro has loudly denied rumors of drug use while appearing suspiciously high on the balcony of a five-star luxury resort, daring Marco Rubio to “come arrest him like a man,” sources have confirmed.
Witnesses say Petro wobbled dramatically as he delivered the challenge, sporting $12,000 designer sunglasses, two women clinging to his arms like paid emotional-support accessories.
He insisted he “doesn’t touch drugs,” moments before screaming at a pigeon for “telling the CIA his secrets.”
Observers say the former guerrilla-turned-self-proclaimed Marxist continued denying his lavish lifestyle while standing barefoot on imported marble, sipping from a crystal decanter, and boasting he was “living the life of a humble socialist.”
The moment reportedly lost credibility when staff rolled out a gold-plated misting fan to “keep him glistening for the cameras.”
Despite demanding Rubio “come arrest him,” Petro seems to have forgotten that his U.S. visa was revoked, meaning he’s taunting from the comfort of a fortified estate guarded by heavily armed men and a rumored tame jaguar named Comrade Spots.
Petro still maintains a warm relationship with the Biden family, though Hunter insists “this has nothing to do with coke — for once.”
As of press time… Petro was challenging Rubio again, this time to “a duel or maybe karaoke.”
