ABOARD THE SS REGRET — A seven-day Caribbean cruise descended into chaos this week after passengers began claiming pool chairs before sunrise, backed up every toilet on Deck 7, and nearly rioted when the “unlimited” drink package turned out to be limited by physics, plumbing, and human dignity, sources have confirmed.
The crisis began when chair hogs covered every lounger with towels, paperbacks, flip-flops, and one handwritten sign reading, “This chair is occupied spiritually.”
Cruise officials initially promised a crackdown but quickly backed off after activists declared chair saving “a basic human right” and demanded equitable access to shade, frozen daiquiris, and taxpayer-funded towel clips.
By noon, the buffet line had collapsed, the toilets were making sounds last heard in Biden’s infrastructure plan, and passengers were three rum punches deep into a limited unlimited drink package now being investigated by maritime lawyers.
Things worsened when the cruise line banned loud music near the pool, prompting Democrats onboard to call it “aquatic fascism.”
“This is just like America,” said one passenger.
“Everyone wants unlimited benefits, nobody wants rules, and somehow the toilets are full of socialism.”
As of press time, the captain had surrendered Deck 9 to the chair hogs and renamed it New California.
