WASHINGTON, D.C. — Twenty-five Democrat-led states filed suit to protect foreign sweatshops from tariffs, explaining that American workers must be defended from the possibility of employment, sources have confirmed.
Beneath a banner reading “Workers’ Rights Have Borders,” officials renamed them “international affordability centers” to replace the outdated phrase “factories where asking for lunch gets you fired.”
One official warned tariffs could raise the price of a nine-dollar “ethical” T-shirt to eleven dollars, forcing coastal progressives to choose between supporting labor and buying a fourth tote bag.
U.S. Trade Representative Jamieson Greer asked why Democrats were siding with overseas manufacturers accused of tolerating forced labor.
Officials replied that the workers were not exploited, but “economically captive global partners” receiving experience, mandatory housing, and a zero-minute commute.
The coalition then unveiled the Fair Trade-Off Act, guaranteeing fair wages for campaign consultants, cheap imports for wealthy activists, and union labels printed overseas by nonunion employees.
Labor unions objected, prompting Democrats to accuse organized labor of weaponizing consistency.
To demonstrate solidarity, officials ordered one million “Support American Workers” shirts from a factory where blinking twice reportedly counts as a bathroom break.
As of press time, Democrats had saved American workers from tariffs, factories, paychecks, and the burden of manufacturing anything in America.
