Democratic Party officials quietly confirmed this week they are now outsourcing campaign strategy to former Saturday Night Live cast members after discovering voters are no longer responding to Democrats saying “this is the most important election of our lives,” sources have confirmed.
According to insiders, party leaders were thrilled when Bowen Yang and Matt Rogers warned donors not to “waste your money” on Rep. Jasmine Crockett’s Senate run, calling it the clearest messaging Democrats have produced since 2016.
“They understand timing, delivery, and losing,” one DNC official allegedly said.
“That’s experience.”
Party strategists reportedly determined candidates who are “too defined” scare voters by having opinions, records, and recognizable personalities.
“We’re looking for someone vague,” a consultant explained.
“No stance, no past, no connection to Texas. Ideally raised in a coastal writer’s room.”
Sources say Democrats briefly considered listening to actual voters before abandoning the idea as unsafe. Instead, the party plans to vet candidates using applause meters, podcast vibes, and whether someone once regretted being a Hillary stan on air.
Republicans reportedly watched the segment in silence, as Democrats publicly begged their own donors to stop donating.
One GOP aide noted, “President Trump didn’t even tweet. They just started roasting themselves.”
As of press time, Democrats announced their 2028 frontrunner will be whoever tests best with comedians explaining why they can’t win.
Things would be so much better if we could send all democRATS to the Ukraine.
Then they all could possibly be killed!!!