WASHINGTON: Chuck Schumer declared he wasn’t going anywhere after fellow Democrats replaced his office door with a retirement community shuttle entrance, sources have confirmed.
Progressive candidates began withholding endorsements and mailing subtle hints: assisted living brochures, Jell-O coupons, and Centrum vitamins arranged to spell “PLEASE.”
Schumer thanked them for the campaign literature.
“Wonderful grassroots enthusiasm,” he said, pocketing a coupon for orthopedic slippers.
Staff escalated by installing a stairlift that bypassed his office and delivered him directly to a waiting Buick.
Schumer called it infrastructure.
“We need fresh leadership,” said one progressive challenger.
“I agree,” Schumer replied.
“Open a window.”
Bernie Sanders arrived to mediate, read the retirement brochure, and demanded that bingo be declared a human right.
Party officials staged a farewell luncheon, but Schumer interpreted the cake reading “ENJOY RETIREMENT” as an acronym for a new fundraising committee.
He immediately appointed himself chairman for life.
Democrats then packed his belongings into boxes marked “FLORIDA,” prompting Schumer to announce an aggressive Southern strategy.
One aide unplugged his microphone.
Schumer praised the party’s transition to clean energy.
By afternoon, progressives were chanting “TIME TO GO,” which Schumer described as overwhelming support for punctuality.
As of press time, Democrats had removed his chair from the Senate chamber, but Schumer remained seated through what aides described as decades of accumulated suction.
Schumer is a disgusting has been. But, his stupidity IS beneficial to the Republicans.
This is the whole problem with Congress, they’ll literally do anything to hold on to power and don’t care about serving the people!