DETROIT, MI — Democratic Senate nominee Abdul El-Sayed reportedly completed the fastest political friendship breakup in recorded history Monday after discovering longtime campaign ally Hasan Piker was suddenly “just a streamer from California,” sources have confirmed.
Campaign staff immediately updated the relationship timeline.
Yesterday: Important progressive voice.
This morning: Campaign ally.
Lunch: Some guy.
Afternoon: Hasan who?
Piker reportedly stared at his old campaign photos like a divorced dad scrolling through Facebook memories.
DSA officials called the development normal.
“We believe strongly in solidarity,” one organizer explained, “until solidarity polls badly.”
Michigan voters were left confused.
“You told us Republicans were evil,” one Democrat said.
“Then establishment Democrats were evil. Then America was problematic. Now your own friends are evil. Who exactly are we supposed to hate Tuesday?”
Campaign consultants immediately launched Project Sanity Prevention, warning that voters exposed to too much consistency may accidentally become independents.
Republicans watched quietly from across the aisle.
One offered popcorn.
Another whispered, “Don’t interrupt them. They’re doing outreach for us.”
El-Sayed insisted the campaign remained focused on Michigan.
Piker reportedly checked Google Maps to confirm Detroit was still where he had campaigned.
As of press time, the DSA had reaffirmed its commitment to loyalty by deleting everyone currently causing problems.
