Far-Left Activists Scramble to Find Something to Be Outraged About As Dick Van Dyke Turns 100

America experienced a rare moment of national unity Sunday as legendary entertainer Dick Van Dyke prepared to celebrate his 100th birthday, sources have confirmed.

The celebration spread across party lines with Republicans, independents, and even most Democrats joining together to praise Van Dyke’s long, joyful career — a level of bipartisan harmony not seen since the invention of mashed potatoes.

But trouble emerged when a microscopic cluster of far-far-left outrage hobbyists attempted to manufacture controversy after Van Dyke credited his much-younger wife, Arlene Silver, with keeping him active and spirited.

Within minutes, the online scolding brigade mobilized.

“AGE-GAP OPPRESSION!” cried one activist whose profile picture was an anime frog.

Another posted, “I WILL NOT ALLOW WHOLESOMENESS IN MY TIMELINE.”

Unfortunately for them, the American public — including most mainstream Democrats — collectively shrugged.

One Democrat reportedly said, “Please. It’s Dick Van Dyke. He’s the only man alive who can sneeze and tap-dance at the same time.”

Republicans responded by proposing a national holiday, while the small far-left outrage squad was last seen crying over spilled milk and sobbing into room-temperature kombucha after hearing Dick Van Dyke cheerfully say, “The secret to keeping moving is keeping moving,” which they immediately denounced as “oppressive exercise culture.”

As of press time, the nation remained united in celebrating Van Dyke’s milestone, while the far-left continued desperately searching for anything — anything — to be offended by.