Hawaii Lt. Gov. Pleads Not Guilty After Confusing COVID Relief Fund With Personal Cost-Of-Living Adjustment

HONOLULU — Hawaii Lt. Gov. Sylvia Luke reportedly pleaded not guilty to basic math this week, explaining that COVID relief money was always meant to be shared, and she merely misunderstood “the public” to mean “people sitting near me at expensive steakhouses,” sources have confirmed.

Luke told reporters that Hawaii is expensive, making corruption less of a crime and more of a cost-of-living adjustment for elected officials.

“Have you seen beachfront prices?” she allegedly asked while unveiling the state’s new Bribery Assistance Program.

“A public servant cannot survive on salary, benefits, pension, campaign donations, free dinners, and the spiritual nourishment of unchecked power alone.”

Democratic consultants immediately defended Luke, arguing that funneling taxpayer money toward politically connected testing operations created jobs, mostly for accountants, defense attorneys, campaign treasurers, and men whose title is “close personal friend.”

Party leaders also urged the public not to rush to judgment until every incriminating check had been reclassified as community outreach, culturally sensitive bookkeeping, or an undocumented act of aloha.

Republicans criticized the scheme, then injured themselves laughing.

Luke has since proposed lowering Hawaii’s crushing costs by banning grocery stores from displaying prices and declaring anything under $40 “basically free.”

As of press time, state Democrats were testing a new defense claiming the money was asymptomatic, airborne, and somehow spread directly into campaign accounts.