RICHMOND, VA — Virginia Attorney General Jay Jones unveiled an Election Day security plan requiring local police to protect polling places from federal agents attempting to protect polling places, sources have confirmed.
The plan expands his actual guidance into a system under which every arriving officer triggers the dispatch of another officer to investigate the previous officer.
“If you see something, say something,” Jones announced.
“Unless it’s suspicious. We’re looking for badges.”
Within minutes, local police surrounded federal agents, state police surrounded local police, and a crossing guard detained everyone for blocking the sidewalk.
Jones praised the operation as proof that Democrats could finally support law enforcement once law enforcement started interfering with law enforcement.
The Justice Department called his actual directive “bluster and political posturing.”
Jones responded by requesting additional officers to investigate whether that statement constituted approaching a polling place emotionally.
Officials clarified that voters could still enter freely, provided they weren’t accompanied by anyone capable of enforcing federal law.
One federal agent removed his badge and immediately received directions, a sample ballot, and an apology for the inconvenience.
Jones then announced that his ten-page guidance would require forty additional pages explaining which police to call when the police arrived.
As of press time, Virginia’s security apparatus was handcuffed together while Jones declared the polling place officially secure.
