An aging, lazy Santa Claus confirmed that all of the good boys and girls on his list are just going to get gift cards this year, a break from the normal tradition.
“Not really feeling it this year,” said Claus, while inspecting his sleigh to ensure it was ready for Christmas. “Reading all the letters, and then telling the elves all the toys they have to make, and then hauling all those bags. Nah. I’m getting too old for that. I just got a bunch of gift cards and I’m gonna whip ‘em down the chimneys. I hope these kids like going to Menard’s.”
Children lucky enough to be on Santa’s ‘Nice” list weren’t overly enthused with the preemptive news of their gifts, sources have confirmed.
“What am I supposed to get at Menard’s?” asked 9-year-old Timmy Kessler. “I asked for a Pokémon video game and new hockey skates, not paint rollers and a rake! I think they sell candy in the checkout aisles, so at least there’s that. I hope Santa is back in the spirit a little bit next year. This really sucks.”
As of press time, Santa revealed that he plans on being home by 1:30 on the night of Christmas, his earliest time ever.
“Of course, LAST month had a “thansgiving holiday,” this month’s holiday is Gimmee, Gimmee, Gimmee having nothing to do with appreciating any birth of the Christ.” By the way, Linus reported “with a !:30 AM deadline, you had better have the reindeer ready to deliver 23 hours early in most worldwide time zones.”
This year Christmas came on November 5th!!! The best Christmas ever, except the first one.
Q: What is best in life ?
A: “To crush your enemy, to see him driven before you , and to hear the lamentations of his women.”
We did that November 5th.
Needs to stay home by a fire at his age.
he can’t quit….I can still hear the bell!
With the Biden ecomony, time has been rough on Santa. His helpers want a pay raise. If not, they will strike Dec 6.
They say the cost of food is up. The same with heat and the nights seem colder. Rudolph and the gang are not
happy. Rudolph complained that eating all old dry straw instead of raindeer hay, he can not turn his nose on bright
and shinny. The only lights that work, are the parking lights on his ears. The only thing Santa can get cheap is a
lump of coal. Three years in a row is enough. GIFT CARDS what a great idea.
We really need humor during this time and can not wait until January 20th for when all our prayers will be answered if we are still here!!!!!
You people at Daily Skrape are hilarious !!! Keep it up, you are my teddy bear at night while sucking my thumb, although it’s just as funny to see me laughing with my thumb in mouth.