When the left saw “Lamar Jackson shared post” flash across their screens, you could practically hear the detonation of angry glitter bombs in coffee shops from Portland to Brooklyn, sources have confirmed.
Some witnesses swear it sounded like kombucha kegs bursting.
Others described frantic screams of “Somebody call AOC!” ,she was later seen loading glitter bombs in her prius.
The reason? Jackson dared to exist online while not being fully pre-approved by the Ministry of Woke.
According to anonymous insiders, progressive activists immediately declared a “Code Red,” demanding that the quarterback be forced to attend a week-long sensitivity camp taught by unemployed improv comedians and TikTok influencers.
One particularly outraged activist was overheard shrieking, “What’s next?! He’ll go to church?!” before fainting into a soy-scented beanbag.
Another activist, armed with nothing but feelings and a giant red stamp that reads CANCELED, explained their master plan:
“First, all NFL quarterbacks must clear their posts with a Diversity Consultant before pressing ‘share.’
Second, referees should throw penalty flags for unsanctioned displays of traditional values.
And finally, if Jackson refuses, he’ll be replaced with an AI quarterback trained on NPR transcripts and cuddle puddles.
That’s real progress.”
But while the mob hyperventilates, Jackson remains unfazed.
He’s still training, still throwing touchdowns, and still refusing to apologize for the crime of having thoughts that don’t require a trigger warning.
Which, let’s face it, is the scariest thing a man can do in 2025.
As of press time, activists were attempting to form a human chain around Baltimore’s stadium to prevent Jackson from entering — though most were delayed after realizing stadium parking lots don’t accept feelings as payment.
One would do better serving God than the Satan agenda people.
No job or career is worth your soul !
Listen up ! If you knew God you would be rethinking your situation! Our time is just about up And it’s only Gods children that are keeping him from bringing down his wrath. When he takes us home. Then it’s over for the rest of you ! As he assured his children they were not appointed unto wrath.
We are in the period of sorrows And next is the First 3 yrs of Tribulation. All these weather things are done by satans children and Satan himself Remember Satan is the prince of the power of the air.
Buckle up buttercup it’s about to get rough