Two men briefly locked down the White House on Monday after one mistook a sidewalk for a passing lane and the other mistook a barricade for the entrance to a trampoline park, sources have confirmed.
The driver demanded officers arrest his GPS for telling him to “bear right.”
An officer read the device its rights, at which point it immediately said, “Recalculating.”
Across Lafayette Park, the second man yelled “Parkour!” halfway over the barricade and “I pay your salary!” halfway into the cruiser.
Investigators briefly suspected coordination, then reviewed the footage and concluded neither man had coordinated with himself.
Before the tow truck arrived, CNN had convened a six-person panel to debate whether the curb should have de-escalated.
A Democratic congressman demanded to know why the concrete had been allowed to harden without a public comment period. The curb declined to testify, citing its longstanding policy of sitting there. The network booked a speed bump.
President Trump watched the footage and told aides to give the curb a raise.
“It held its position under pressure,” he said.
“You know how hard it is to find that in Washington?”
As of press time, a judge had ordered both men to stay 500 feet from the White House. The GPS immediately asked whether that was by road or as the Buick flies.
