Monty Python Films Rebooted for Woke Audiences — Runtime Now 4 Minutes Each

Comedy legend Eric Idle has officially hired his daughter as “Chief Joke Compliance Officer,” tasked with filtering out any humor that might cause modern audiences to hyperventilate, sources have confirmed.

Reports say Idle’s once-beloved sketches are now deemed “hate speech in silly hats.”

The “Dead Parrot” bit has been flagged for “avian microaggressions,” the “Holy Grail” condemned for “religious oppression,” and the “Ministry of Silly Walks” shut down after activists complained it mocked “the differently mobile.”

Even “Knights Who Say Ni” didn’t survive — apparently the word “Ni” is an ancient slur against non-binary tree shrubberies.

Woke consultants cheered the move, declaring that comedy should no longer be funny but “empowering.”

Universities are already proposing “safe chuckle zones” where students can laugh only at approved punchlines like “capitalism is unfair” or “orange man bad.”

Several conservatives, however, argued that the supposedly “offensive” jokes should be carved into stone tablets and performed daily until the end of time — because they are JOKES.

“If we’re expected to keep a straight face while woke news outlets lecture us about men getting pregnant and socialism being affordable, then the least they can do is let us laugh at dead parrots and silly walks,” one commentator said.

As of press time, Idle’s daughter was reportedly editing a reboot of the Monty Python films, removing offensive lines — the films are now about 4 minutes each.