NEW YORK CITY — Thousands of cash-strapped New Yorkers reportedly deleted DoorDash, Uber Eats, and every other side-hustle app after discovering sham marriage allegedly pays better than delivering pad thai in the rain, sources have confirmed.
A new dating app called GreenCardr immediately surged to number one with the slogan: “Swipe Right. Get Married. Make Rent.”
Profiles now list income goals instead of hobbies.
“Brandon, 31. Likes tacos, the Knicks, and immediate liquidity.”
“Jessica, 28. Love language: direct deposit.”
Participants receive a Sham Marriage Starter Kit containing matching toothbrushes, six fake vacation photos, an anniversary calendar, and flash cards reading, “Her favorite color is blue. His mom is Linda. Do not hesitate.”
Wedding planners quickly introduced the No Love Required Package, including courthouse ceremony, staged engagement photos, immigration interview rehearsal, and a divorce coupon valid after twelve months.
Tinder reportedly responded by adding a new relationship setting: “Short-Term Immigration Consulting.”
Meanwhile, ordinary married couples expressed outrage after learning fraudulent newlyweds could allegedly earn tens of thousands while legitimate spouses received a toaster and three arguments about laundry.
One Brooklyn landlord began accepting marriage certificates instead of security deposits.
As of press time, New Yorkers had stopped asking dates, “What do you do for a living?” and started asking, “How fast can you get me thirty grand?”
