Hollywood studios have quietly replaced casting directors with Democratic National Committee compliance officers who administer mandatory ideological “vibe checks” before auditions, sources have confirmed.
According to insiders, actors are now escorted into windowless rooms decorated with recycled campaign posters, where former Bernie Sanders interns armed with clipboards ask deeply personal questions like, “On a scale of one to fascist, how much do you love America?” Saying the phrase “I support the Constitution” allegedly activates a silent alarm, while mentioning the Second Amendment causes a hydraulic trap door to open beneath the audition chair.
Rob Schneider reportedly failed his most recent audition after smiling while referencing Charlton Heston, an incident one studio executive called “a violent micro-aggression against democracy.” Another executive clarified that studios are no longer interested in talent, charisma, or box office draw, but instead seek actors with tearful Instagram apology experience, a deep hatred of fossil fuels, and the ability to sob convincingly about capitalism while cashing seven figure checks.
Studio heads insist this is not blacklisting, describing it instead as “values based exclusion,” a progressive process that mysteriously excludes only conservatives. One anonymous producer explained, “We welcome all viewpoints, as long as they’re ours.”
Meanwhile, insiders predict Hollywood will thrive creatively by releasing its twelfth straight movie about a broken superhero battling climate change with government funding.
As of press time, executives blamed Trump, freedom, and voters outside Los Angeles for Hollywood’s collapse.
HOLYWOODEN heads in California NOW ON THE PINK AND PURPLE SCREEN. It’s ok to miss these productions. The rating are poor even before the show hits the viewing audience.
We welcome all viewpoints, as long as they’re ours.” Unfortunately this is the truth.
I see no satire in that remarkably accurate statement.