The Royal Family announced today that despite allegations to the contrary, King Charles III has actually never felt better, sources have confirmed.
“See all of these machines he’s hooked up to,” asked the King’s private doctor, referencing the plethora of medical devices the sleeping King was attached to. “They’re all monitoring his vitals and every single one of these are all reporting the same thing: that the King’s health has never been better. All of these pills on his nightstand are just his every day vitamins as well. Lots and lots of vitamins.”
“It’s too bad he’s napping or else he’d tell you the same thing,” he continued. “But he’s tuckered out from, uh, playing basketball all morning. Yeah. That’s it.”
Rumors began circulating wildly about the health of the 75-year-old King Charles III yesterday, after several news sources reported that the Royal Family had an important announcement upcoming.
“Oh, did you think he’d died?” asked an anonymous member of the Royal Guard. “No, this was just… a test. Yup. Our big news is that there is no news. Isn’t that fun? We like to just celebrate the King and his exemplary fitness once in a while, you know? In fact, just last week I arrived to my post a few minutes late and the King personally kicked my ass. Not bad for a cancer patient, huh? Anyway, everything is completely fine with the Royal Family. Stop asking.”
As of press time, the Royal Guardsman also tried to calm the public’s fears about the current whereabouts of Kate Middleton by holding up a photograph of her and insisting everything was fine.
