A new policy introduced on Boeing flights will see first class passengers be given complimentary parachutes in the likely event of a crash landing, sources have confirmed.
“Here at Boeing, safety is our number one concern,” said Dave Calhoun, CEO of Boeing. “And we know that lately our planes have been getting a lot of press for the ways they are just generally falling apart. Obviously this can be a little troubling, so we’ve decided to start giving our customers everything they need to survive a horrible plane crash. Well, the first class passengers at least.”
Frequent flyers were disturbed by the implications of the new accoutrement.
“Shouldn’t they just fix their planes instead of giving us all parachutes,” asked Fred Stone, who flies often for work. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, if we’re going down I’d love to have a parachute. But couldn’t they just, you know, address the actual issues at hand rather than handing out dozens of parachutes on every flight?”
As of press time, several passengers that were outspoken about not receiving parachutes in business class were found murdered.
