In a shocking result from this week’s Super Tuesday primaries, the city of San Francisco has caved in and finally made shoplifting illegal, sources have confirmed.
“Finally, a way to get people to stop stealing so much,” said Rod Strauss, manager of a local CVS that was recently seen being looted in a viral video. “We would plead with authorities to do something about the rampant and coordinated thefts we were experiencing, and they kept telling us the same thing: There wasn’t a whole lot they could do until shoplifting was made illegal. Now that there’s a law on the books I’m hoping somebody will do something.”
Locals were shocked that the Democrat-ran city passed laws that were tough on crime.
“There was a time not long ago that trying to make criminalize shoplifting would’ve been career suicide for a politician out here,” said longtime resident Jim Donaldson. “But we’ve all had enough and finally gotten some legislation through that will make theft illegal. Surprised it took this long, really. But hey, better late than never.”
As of press time, rumors continued to circulate that San Francisco lawmakers were going to introduce legislation that would make relieving yourself on the street illegal as well.
