LOS ANGELES, CA — Socialist mayoral candidate Nithya Raman declared a major infrastructure victory this week after Los Angeles successfully painted several lines across a street, completing what officials described as the most ambitious application of yellow paint in modern municipal history, sources have confirmed.
The project reportedly required months of planning, multiple meetings, consultants, community outreach, and one intern brave enough to finally open the paint can.
Raman celebrated beside the newly striped crosswalk while cameras rolled.
A resident pointed at the cracked pavement underneath.
“The road is still broken.”
An aide immediately stepped between them.
“Please stop looking beneath the accomplishment.”
City Hall then unveiled its new Department of Cosmetic Infrastructure.
Potholes will receive decorative borders.
Cracked sidewalks become community mosaics.
Sinkholes qualify as below-grade mobility features.
Abandoned shopping carts will be designated experimental public transit.
Officials insisted the program represents bold progressive governance because fixing things is expensive, while photographing them after painting is significantly cheaper.
Republicans reportedly began mailing Raman thank-you cards because her press releases now arrive prewritten as opposition ads.
The mayoral campaign then released its four-year infrastructure plan:
Year One: Paint curb.
Year Two: Replace sign.
Year Three: Study trash can.
Year Four: Re-elect Raman.
As of press time, Los Angeles declared the crosswalk fully operational after confirming pedestrians could now clearly see exactly where the pavement was falling apart.
