RICHMOND, VA — A doctor awoke this week to discover a bat attempting to move into her mouth, an incident experts initially blamed on wildlife confusion before the animal reportedly explained it had simply been following modern public-policy incentives, sources have confirmed.
“I heard housing was a human right,” the bat said.
“This place is warm, furnished, and apparently comes with dental.”
The doctor attempted to remove it.
The bat immediately demanded tenant protections.
A housing activist arrived moments later and warned that evicting a mammal after four seconds of residency could constitute displacement without adequate relocation assistance.
The bat requested a hotel.
Taxpayer funded.
Animal control asked why it skipped the attic.
“Too much competition,” it replied.
“Also, no Medicaid.”
Officials then discovered the bat had already applied for SNAP, emergency housing, a street-vending permit, and three grants for historically underserved nocturnal entrepreneurs.
Republicans proposed the controversial solution of closing the window.
Progressive consultants condemned the suggestion as exclusionary architecture.
The doctor eventually captured the bat and had it tested for rabies.
Negative.
Experts were relieved.
The bat, however, immediately filed an appeal.
As of press time, it had established residency in the guest room, changed the Wi-Fi password, and qualified for benefits faster than most humans.
Love these. So clever. Well thought out.
this is driving me nuts. I get too many emails to read fake news.
Letterman’s top 5 reasons why bats are better tenants than Communist, illegal, criminal aliens ;
5) They won’t track up your floor while they “hang around” the house all day.
4)They are always gone at night, so it’s quiet and you can sleep.
3) They won’t steal your 9mm and get you involved in a murder charge.
2)They will keep your apartment bug free, and save you hundreds on an Orkin contract.
And the number (1) reason why bats are better tenants than Communist, illegal, criminal aliens ;
Contrary to what those lying bastards told you, they WON’T give you Covid !
And , for us gardeners, the guano makes for excellent fertilizer. It is what the Jamaica Mountain Blue coffee is steeped in.
A bat seeking residence, how stupid I guess next they will have ants and mitoquitoes suing us for having our yards stayed to get rid of them !
Júdith conjlin