Authorities in Anaheim confirmed this week that three fully grown adults allegedly decided to pursue their childhood dreams by leveling up from Pokémon Go to Pokémon Grab, sources have confirmed.
The trio reportedly tunneled through a neighboring office at 3 a.m., smashed display cases, and liberated roughly $180,000 worth of rare trading cards — including one valued at $10,000 — proving that with enough determination, you really can catch ’em all.
Local progressive leaders urged calm, reminding residents that crime is often just “misunderstood enthusiasm.”
One city spokesperson suggested the suspects were merely participating in an unsanctioned wealth redistribution side quest.
“These cards were clearly experiencing inequitable shelf placement,” an activist explained.
“We must examine the systemic forces that push adults in Pikachu hoodies to express themselves through drywall.”
Business owners, meanwhile, expressed outdated concerns about smashed doors and missing inventory.
Governor Newsom’s office reportedly reached out to investigators to ask where the suspects obtained adult-sized Pikachu costumes — strictly for “investigative purposes” and absolutely not because Sacramento is considering a new outreach uniform.
In a stunning display of modern governance, a proposal briefly surfaced to classify the incident as “competitive nostalgia activism” rather than burglary.
Republican officials offered a simpler solution:
Prosecute the crime and stop making excuses.
As of press time lawmakers were debating whether holographic Charizards qualify as emotionally unhoused assets.
Some people need a giant dope slap.
They just need the taste slapped out of their mouth a few times. Most of em couldn’t recognize a choo choo two out of three times.
Realizing we actually live in a ‘society’ where a game has this much ‘value’ placed on it. Embarrassing.