PHILADELPHIA — A Ghanaian witch doctor proudly claimed responsibility for England’s scoreless draw against Ghana this week, insisting his curse on Harry Kane delivered more offensive pressure than England’s entire midfield, sources have confirmed.
The witch doctor, who allegedly performed the ritual using chicken bones, a replica soccer ball, and three BBC pundit tears, said he was offended by critics calling his work superstition.
“Superstition?” he asked.
“Please. England’s attack was already 80% cursed before I arrived. I merely finished the paperwork.”
British analysts initially dismissed the claim until reviewing match footage and admitting the curse showed better movement between the lines than several English starters.
The FA has reportedly launched an emergency investigation into whether Kane’s boots were hexed, his passing lanes were haunted, or the Three Lions had simply reverted to traditional tournament form.
Progressive commentators quickly blamed the draw on climate change, colonialism, and America’s failure to provide universal free penalty kicks.
Meanwhile, several underdog nations have contacted the witch doctor about knockout-round packages, including the popular “Full Southgate Fog,” which causes heavily favored teams to pass sideways for ninety minutes.
In a bizarre twist, a group of overly enthusiastic campaign strategists from across the political spectrum reportedly reached out to the witch doctor, hoping his “mystical influence” could boost their messaging.
Sources say the witch doctor politely declined, explaining that even his most powerful spells couldn’t fix confusing slogans or awkward campaign ads.
Kane declined to blame supernatural forces, though sources say he was seen asking if the curse could also explain English food.
As of press time, the witch doctor had reportedly pivoted to offering motivational workshops titled “Manifesting Goals (Preferably On Target).”
Great article! Keep up the good work!
I wouldn’t doubt it, actually!!!