NEW YORK, NY — Bill Maher accidentally uncovered the Democratic Socialists of America’s final policy objective after learning that apparently every American holiday is problematic, sources have confirmed.
Party officials immediately unveiled the No Joy Act, eliminating Thanksgiving, Christmas, Halloween, Valentine’s Day, Independence Day, birthdays, anniversaries, and any Tuesday where someone appears suspiciously happy.
“Celebration creates inequality,” explained one DSA organizer.
“Some people receive better presents.”
Francesca Hong was appointed Secretary of Holiday Abolition after consultants determined she possessed the rare ability to find systemic oppression inside a pumpkin.
Thanksgiving was canceled for colonialism.
Christmas was eliminated for religion and aggressive desk decorations.
Valentine’s Day was abolished because capitalism weaponized chocolate.
Halloween was suspended until every costume receives approval from a 47-member sensitivity committee.
The Fourth of July was naturally unacceptable because independence encourages dangerous self-reliance.
Americans responded with one question:
“Who hurt you?”
Investigators initially suspected capitalism, landlords, or Christopher Columbus, but ultimately traced the hostility to an unsweetened soy latte and an emotionally unavailable block of tofu.
Maher reportedly stared silently at the platform before asking whether these people had ever tried enjoying anything.
The DSA called the question violence.
As of press time, Party City had filed for bankruptcy after discovering its entire customer base had been declared problematic.
