WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hundreds of adult DSA members arrived at settlement offices Monday claiming to be unusually hairy 10-year-olds after learning Meta had been ordered to pay $567 million over harms involving children online, sources have confirmed.
Claimants presented juice boxes, Pokémon backpacks, and birth certificates written in crayon.
“I’m ten,” insisted one 38-year-old with a mortgage and full beard.
“Capitalism accelerated my puberty.”
Meanwhile, DSA leadership confronted a larger crisis: parents increasingly limiting children’s social-media access.
Strategists gathered beneath a whiteboard reading HOW DO WE REACH THE YOUTH NOW?
Instagram: lawsuits.
TikTok: parents watching.
Carrier pigeons: promising.
The party immediately trained 400 pigeons to deliver socialist pamphlets, but the program collapsed when the birds refused to redistribute their worms, demanded private nesting property, and migrated to Florida.
“They’ve been radicalized by ownership,” one organizer complained.
Smoke signals were rejected for carbon emissions.
Telegrams were deemed colonial.
Someone suggested school books.
The room became awkwardly silent.
Meta attorneys eventually questioned why every supposed child claimant had facial hair, credit-card debt, and lower-back pain.
“They’re gifted,” explained a DSA lawyer.
As of press time, the carrier pigeons had formed a small-business association and were charging socialists $14.99 per pamphlet plus delivery.
People have no shame in this world! Democrats cheating at the polls and politicians taking in money under the table. But you know what? I am never going to go to that level regardless.
I love you guys!
Thank you for your informative and interesting post. Why am I not surprised ? Adults trying to cash-in on the kids. Am I mistaken, as I heard only men were participating. No women or mothers ! At least that is a step of honesty. Thank you ladies !
The dumocrats tried to pretend to help Epstein victims while they open the borders to millions of the worst of the worst including child molesters, traffickers of children and women , drug traffickers So they are obsessed with Epstein victims but not the million of victims of illegal immigrants WOW